It's Never Really Easy To Be Like Me
by TillThatTime
Summary: Sometimes you just do it so people will notice and then when they finally do you wish you had just kept on drowning instead. MxM, Troy x Ryan
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own High school musical…shocked, no?

A/N: This is in fact a SLASH story. Meaning relations between two people of the same gender. I hardly need to point out the no one is forcing you to read this so if you don't like it then don't read, it is as simple as that and if you do leave me a flame then I am just going to think that you are an idiot for reading something you obviously didn't approve of in the first place! So once again, if you leave me a flame saying "Eww, this is gross" or something along those lines I will laugh at you! Other than that feel free to review, flames are frickin hilarious and constructive criticism is appreciated! Much Love! (The first chapter is short) I love reviews!

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Troy Bolton…..Troy fucking Bolton. Now there was a sight to behold. He might as well have been a damn god the way he was viewed at school, and in all purposes he practically was. The way people ogled him at East High was enough to make you sick. You know how the old saying goes, women wanted him, men wanted to be him. Hell, everyone's damn dog wanted him as an owner, the lucky shit.

When viewed by the public eye Troy appeared to have everything. He was the captain of the basketball team. He had Gabriella Montez permanently attached to his arm. He was the most popular guy in Easy High and everyone knew it. He was like a goddamn celebrity and so what? So what?

Ryan Evans could tell you exactly what. Troy Bolton _did_ have everything and yet he still had to keep taking more, and to make matters worse he was so nice about it. So fucking nice! Ryan Evans had always stood in the shadow of his ice queen sister, Sharpay except when it came to acting. It was the one thing his twin couldn't take away from him because of her lack of a certain male anatomy. For years Ryan thought that he had something that he could finally call his own. He was Goliath of the damn drama department and he ruled it well but then of course along came David and it was all snatched away from him. Troy Bolton took it all away in a matter of one audition. God, how he hated him.

He was back in the shadows once again. The lime-light only a sneering face that mocked him. He was seen by everyone as either, 'Sharpay Evan's brother' or 'that guy that got beat out by Troy Bolton'. He felt like he was drowning and no one seemed to notice or even care to notice. He had to do something, all he wanted was to be seen and heard. It was all he wanted. That is why he had decided to 'come out', not because he actually wanted people to know that he was gay but because he just wanted people to notice. Of course as soon as he started to tell people that he was in fact a homosexual he had received a resounding "Well, duh" it wasn't hard for everyone to see. "Ryan Evans…gay?...Well it's about time he decided to come out" Came the voices of his peers.

Of course it is never really easy for someone to 'come out' in high school and certain people were definitely not going to make it easy for Ryan Evans.

Troy Bolton happened upon the scene while on his way to forth period. There was already a crowd drawn around the lockers and Troy's curiosity got the better of him. As he peered over the shoulders of the people in front of him it didn't take him long to see what everyone was gawking at. Written across one of the lockers in black permanent marker was the short and yet blaringly clear word, FAG. Troy immediately recognized the locker as belonging to Ryan and he wasn't surprised when he heard the intense whispering from the crowd as Ryan and Sharpay Evans approached the locker. Not to long afterwards they were followed by the principal.

Sharpay was now standing in the center of the crowd demanding to know "Who the fuck had done this." The principal was asking the same thing only with not so many choice words. Ryan, however, was just standing there staring at his defaced locker with a blank expression set upon his features. Anyone one who was looking at him would have said that he wasn't affected at all by the situation but as Troy stared deeper into the eyes of Ryan Evans he saw utter humiliation hidden in their ice blue depths.

Troy Bolton didn't laugh with his friends like he should have nor did he offer any concern to Ryan. With one hesitant look over at his snickering basketball buddies. His friends. The culprits. And another look over at the black expression of Ryan Evans, Troy Bolton, just walked away.


	2. Caring

**Disclaimer: **I don't own High School Musical……shocked no?

**A/N: **Special thanks to:

ZacEfronLuver

pollypocket911

MyFictionalAnnihilation

Mondler4EvEr

Mikki Yo

xxThisLoVeDiEs2Dayxx

Joyful

You guys make my day! Much Love!

CARING

For the next hour and a half Troy sat uncomfortably in his physics class wondering why in the hell what had happened to Evans was actually bothering him. Since when did he care? He had never really talked to Ryan. They weren't friends, God, they weren't even acquaintances, yet there was this nagging guilt that seemed to be ever present in the pit of his stomach. Wait, why should he feel guilty at all? It wasn't as if he had written the damn word…….but of course, he knew who did.

That was enough reason to feel guilty in itself, but what was he supposed to do about it? Rat out his friends for the sake of helping someone who wasn't his friend at all. Like hell he would. No, telling was not an option. _It's never an option. _He repeated over and over in his head trying to suppress the feeling of guilt by telling himself that ratting out his buddies would just make matters worse. Well it would, wouldn't? if he told the principal then they would get suspended, get incredibly pissed off, beat the holy living shit out of Evans for payback and probably disown Troy in the process. It was a lose, lose situation. He was doing the right thing by keeping quiet. It was so blindingly clear. Then why did he still feel guilty?

He didn't even have to ask himself why. All along Troy knew exactly why he felt guilty. In the beginning he hadn't cared. When he had heard his friends planning it in the locker room he hadn't cared. When he saw what they had done to Ryan's locker he hadn't cared. All that time he hadn't given a damn at all, but when he looked into Ryan's eyes, just one look into those desperate blue pools and not caring had become just a part of his imagination. That's why he was sitting here squirming in his chair trying to convince himself that he shouldn't feel guilty because Troy Bolton _did_ give a damn when it was all said and done. Troy didn't hurt people, it just wasn't in him to do it and Ryan Evans had definitely been hurt so he couldn't help but care.

At this point in his thoughts Troy heard the bell ring. The day was over…thank God. Troy breathed a sigh of relief as he gathered up his books and papers. He really needed to get the hell out of here. However, nature always seems to call at inopportune times so he decided to stop by the bathroom before heading out to his car. He went to the one on the second floor. It was in the back of the old part of East High and most people didn't even know it existed.

As soon as Troy set one foot into the restroom he wished that he had just held it instead. It took him a split second to hear the muffled sobbing. Another split second to hear a small gasp and the sniffing that comes when you try to stop crying, and yet another second to decided that he was not going to walk right back out the door.

with a strong obligation taking hold of him Troy walked over to one of the stalls and lightly pushed it open without even knocking first. There, sitting with his legs pulled up to his chest was the tear-stained, red faced Ryan Evans.

"What the fuck do you want?" Ryan said with shaking malice when he had found his voice again.

"What are you doing here, Evans?" Troy asked trying not to sound as concerned as he actually was and failing miserably.

"I'm knitting a goddamn sweater!" Came the biting reply. When Ryan saw Troy's brow furrow he said in a softened voice, "Just get out of here. Go tell all your friends that you saw the fag on the bathroom floor crying like a little girl. I'm sure that'll get a good laugh." Ryan said bitterly. Troy didn't respond to this, he just knelt down until he was eye level with Ryan. "What are you doing?"

"Not walking away." Troy replied after some consideration.

"Just leave Bolton. Please God, just leave." Ryan pleaded with heart-breaking desperation. He couldn't let Troy see him like this. He couldn't let the person who had drove him to tell in the first place see him trembling and frightened and desperate. He just couldn't bare it.

"I can't" Troy said, he didn't know why he had said it, it just came out. Realization dawned on Ryan's pale features.

"Did you do it?" He asked this as if he were inquiring about the weather. Troy scooted away involuntarily not expecting this type of a question.

"What? No! Of course I didn't do it!"

"But you know who did, don't you?"

With one simple word all of Troy's defenses were ruined. "Yes."

"But you aren't going to tell are you?"

"No, I'm not."

"Good." Troy was a little taken aback by this. He thought that it was good that he was refusing to tell? This doesn't make sense. Upon seeing the confusion on Troy's face, Ryan added, "At first I just wanted to be seen but now I just want to be left alone."

"I'm afraid I don't understand."

"No, you wouldn't, would you…" And then he looked Troy directly in the eye and he said in a cracked voice that was barely above a whisper. "Sometimes you do it just so people will notice and then when they finally do you wish that you had just kept on drowning instead." The silence that followed was devastating. Troy didn't know why he did it but before he could stop himself he placed a light hand on Ryan's shoulder. At first Ryan was startled by this and he jumped slightly, but then, whether it was from the warmth of Troy's hand or just the weight of it all, he let out a strangled sob. Before either of them knew what was happening Ryan flung his arms around Troy. Troy held him with awkward hands and patted his back stiffly, unsure of what to do. When Ryan began to tremble even harder, Troy felt a sharp, unwelcome pain in his heart and as he had known all along. In one day, Troy Bolton cared too fucking much.


	3. A father and a Girlfriend

Disclaimer: I don't own High school musical…shocked, no?

A/N: So I've got 13 reviews! I've noticed that that is not nearly as much as most of the other fanfics, but that doesn't bother me at all because the reviews I do get just are so wonderful that it doesn't matter how many there are so thank you my reviewers! From the bottom of my writing heart, thank you!

Special thanks to:

My new reviewers:

MissLovelyx3

.x.x.Mystic.x.x.

My Repeated reviewers

Mondler4EvEr

pollypocket911

ZacEfronLuver

MyFictionalAnnihilation

I'm so happy that you all are enjoying my story. I only write it for you guys and trust me, little plot bunnies are reproducing much like actual…er, bunnies. I have one chapter that I have been ready to write sense I've began this story…and no it is not a sex scene you dirty children. Well anyways moving on. If you enjoy my story then I recommend you read Untitled by MissLovelyx3. And To Disembark by OCP. These are beautifully written stories and both of them have earned a place on my favorite list and they have inspired me to write me own story. Well enjoy the next chapter! This next chapter displays Gabriella in an unflattering light, but have faith, some characters who are in the dark will see the light before the end! Much Love!

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A FATHER AND A GIRLFRIEND

Troy wasn't sure how long he had been sitting on the tiled bathroom floor with his awkward arms around Ryan Evans, it could have been two minutes or thirty, but with time Ryan's shaking became less persistent and with some lingering sniffles he let go of Troy and brought his hands slowly back down to his sides. With one last look at each other and an uncomfortable yet thankful, lopsided grin from Ryan, the two boys stood. They dusted off their clothes nervously without looking at each other and then walked out the door of the temporary sanctuary and headed off in opposite directions without so much as saying a single word.

The didn't have to say anything. It was an unspoken agreement between them. This was just something that had happened. A rarity for the sake of a cause and nothing more. Troy had been comforting, Ryan had been thankful and words would just complicate things. The next day everything would be back to the way it always had been. They were of two separate worlds, not this one that they had created in a matter of minutes and that was the way things were going to remain. That was the way things were _always_ going to remain.

Troy finally arrived home around supper time and he had quite a strong feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach. In some inexistent world he had hoped that his father hadn't heard about what had happened to Ryan Evans. Of course things didn't work out that way and Troy found himself on several occasions gripping the table cloth in order to control any outbursts.

"In my opinion the boy had it coming to him. I mean honestly, actually _telling_ people that he's playing for the other team. In my day we hardly ever had any homosexuals and do you know why? Because people knew to keep their mouth shut about it." His father said gruffly before shoving a rather large spoonful of mashed potatoes into his mouth. Troy had never perceived his father to be an idiot…until now…and to make the situation worse, Troy had no doubts in his mind that his father knew just well as Troy did who had done it. Of course Troy also knew that his father didn't give a rat's ass. Hell, he probably rooted the other guys on. God, Troy didn't feel very well.

"………And I think the little freak better just watch his back if he knows what's best, right Troy?" His father laughed heartily and nudged his son. Troy couldn't believe it……

"May I please be excused." Troy said hurriedly. He really needed to get out of this room.

"But you've hardly touched your supper." Mrs. Bolton protested, her voice giving off a slight appearance of concern.

"I know, but I'm not really hungry and I really have some homework to do." Troy lied and he bolted out of the kitchen without waiting for their reply. Twenty seconds later Troy had reached his room and was now leaning against his door, trying in vain to calm himself. _'And I think the little freak better just watch his back if he knows what's best, right Troy?' _The words seemed to ring in his ears. Since when had his dad become such an incredible ass? Let's not forget the fact that he wanted his golden boy son to join in on his little rants against a seventeen year old boy.

Troy walked over to his bed and flopped down on the familiar mattress, burring his head under the red covers. For a moment he let his thoughts stray to Ryan. He wondered how Ryan was holding up at his house. Troy couldn't imagine what it would be like to have to tell his father that he had spent almost half the day in the office because some people at school didn't like the fact that he was gay. The thought was unbearable. Troy knew what _his _father would do and he involuntarily shuddered at the thought.

About half an hour later when he was finally starting to relax, to Troy's annoyance his cell phone began to ring and with a small groan he reached into his pants pocket and pulled out. It was Gabriella, of course. His girlfriend, the only woman he had ever loved, or at least the closest thing he had ever came to love. For some reason he was not particularly happy to hear from her.

"Hey babe." he answered, his voice a mask of affection.

"Hey Troy, how did your day go?" She asked and Troy could almost see her curling her beautiful hair around her small fingers.

"It was…" _Hell, complete and utter hell _"Pretty good. Are we still on for this Saturday or what?"

"No I was thinking about taking out some other guy." and then she added rather too quickly to make the playful banter good. "I'm just kidding of course."

"I know you where." Troy replied shortly.

"So did you see what happened to Evan's locker?" Oh for the love of God, he just couldn't get away from it.

"Yeah." He said, hoping she wouldn't take offense to his one worded answers.

"Wasn't it great?" She said, a hint of excitement in her voice.

Troy couldn't stop himself, but God he wished he had. "What?" He said a little too harshly. Troy heard her startled intake of breath.

"I-I was just saying that it was pretty funny. Taylor and I where the ones who leant Jason and Chad the permanent markers….and…I thought you'd think it was funny." She stuttered nervously through the sentence. Troy felt his blood began to boil. _Play it off Troy, just keep cool_.

"I guess that it was pretty cool." He said through gritted teeth trying to sound as convincing as possible. There was no way she was going to buy that load of shit…..

"Alright…..well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow." She said in a hesitant tone. She hadn't bought it. He wasn't surprised, Gabriella had never been naïve.

"Goodbye, Gabs." _Say something Troy. Say something!_ "I love you…"

" I love you too." She said back after a pause but her voice did seem to sound a little more reassured. _Click. _Well that had to be the shortest conversation that he had ever had with Gabriella and he was absolutely seething. He couldn't believe that she had been in on that sick joke too….. but of course he really shouldn't be surprised at all. He was sure that over half the school suspected that he himself had done it, so why wouldn't Gabriella be in on it too. With a cry of frustration he flung one of his pillows across the room. In one evening the two people that he cared about most in the world had pissed him off to no end and for the life of him, he couldn't explain why. Why, was this getting to him so much? Why was this all so unbelievably screwed up? Troy wasn't going to sleep well tonight.


	4. Oblivious

**Disclaimer:** I don't own High School Musical...shocked no?

**A/N:** Wow, I know I'm producing chapters really fast but I'm on a roll and I am finding it hard to control myself. Ok, I was planning on making this a 'Troy based' fiction but Miss Lovely (Her account's been deleted because someone reported her…so pissed) suggested I add some Ryan so I wrote this next chapter solely based on Ryan. The story will still be mainly Troy but every few chapters or so, I'll write from Ryan's perspective. Anyways, moving on

Special thanks to:

MissLovelyx3

MyFictionalAnnihilation

Mondler4EvEr

Braids21

pollypocket911

ZacEfronLuver

Thanks for the support! Love you guys! Next chapter. Much Love!

OBLIVIOUS

With nervous fingers Ryan pulled out the keys to his house. He fumbled with the lock for several moments before actually inserting the key and turning it to unlock the door to his home. He stepped onto the expensive marble and shoved his hands into his pockets to give them something to do other than just tap uncontrollably at his sides.

He wasn't exactly sure how his parents were going to react to the news that they had received today but he truly had no desire to find out. Maybe he could just hide out in his room for the rest of the night, or more preferably the rest of his life. So as quickly as he felt possible without drawing attention to himself, he started to head in the direction of his room. One turn through the living room, another through the den. Exactly 18 steps down the hallway and one last left turn into the dining room, _almost there_, just a couple more feet and…..and there they were. First he saw his mother, her forehead was wrinkled with worry and her thin wine red lips were pulled into an even thinner grimace. Then he saw Sharpay, she gave him a reassuring smile which he couldn't help but return because it just wasn't something that Sharpay did very often. Finally, his eyes fell upon his father, whose face was completely blank. As blank as Ryan had expected it to be. His father never let him down in _that _aspect.

It wasn't as if Ryan being gay was new news to his father. He had actually known for a few months now. At first his father had been angry, crushed even, but after a few weeks he just refused to acknowledge the fact. His son was not gay. It was just a phase or a habit, but never a reality. Ryan really didn't expect any different from his father. After all, with one simple word from Ryan all of his father's dreams had been destroyed. He was never going tot marry. He was never going to have any kids. The Evans name had died with his father's hopes and it was all Ryan's fault.

"Come sit down and eat, darling." His mother asked him in as normal a voice as possible, but Ryan could see in her eyes that it was actually more of a plea. With an intake of breath he walked slowly over to his place at the oak dining table and sat down. They ate in silence for a while, with Sharpay and his mother shooting glances at him and his father refusing to look in his direction at all. Finally after a long period of awkward silence Mrs. Evans set her wine glass down firmly and cleared her throat in order to drag everyone away from their food which they had become strangely interested in.

"Perhaps…" She began but then she paused as if searching for the right words. "Perhaps we should talk about what happened-"

"Henry Clarkson told a fantastic joke today." Mr. Evans cut her off in a voice that was a little too loud to be considered casual. No, they would not be talking about what happened today. His father proceeded to tell the joke in an over exuberant voice and when he reached the punch-line everyone laughed out of courtesy to their father and husband. Afterwards, they fell into silence once more. Mrs. Evans didn't attempt to resurrect the previous conversation, she knew better now. His father was perfectly content to go on living in his dream and no one was going to ruin it for him.

Ryan ate his dinner at an alarming rate. He knew that eating this fast in his current state was probably going to make him sick, but the idea of this whole situation was to keep everything normal and not eating would serve to…….well, 'fuck up' this beautiful picture that his father was trying to create.

When dinner was finished Ryan felt that it was best to just go on to his room. Now was not the time for 'family bonding' and he really just wanted to be alone. He looked once more at his family and saw them as they had always been; his mother, in her cautious concern. His sister, in her cold demeanor and his father, in his oblivion.

A few minutes later Ryan found himself in the comfort of his room. He leaned against his door and clutched his stomach in pain. He had been right of course, eating so much and so fast had made him miserably sick. So he ran into his private bathroom and barely made it the toilet as his dinner came back up in a wave of sickness. In a perfect world all of the events of today would have came out along with the food but the world wasn't perfect. After he was finished he fell away from the toilet and leaned against his sink cabinets and burried his head in his hands.

The bitter taste of vomit that lingered on his tongue and lips was just a reminder of what his life was like. He wished that someone would appear and just kick him over and over again and tell him what an idiot he had been for believing that telling people that you were a queer would be a good way to get them to notice you. Well they _had _noticed. Oh, had they noticed, but it wasn't what Ryan had wanted. Not like that. _Never _like that. He could see his locker magnified a million times before his eyes. _FAG! FAG! FAG! _He couldn't escape it. The word _or_ the people who had written it. He had wanted recognition but now he was more alone than ever.

Well, not completely, there was Troy Bolton. Ryan laughed at the bitter irony of it all. The person who had fucked him over in the first place had been the one to end up holding him on the school bathroom floor. It had been a strange event but Ryan was thankful for it because for one moment, no matter how short it might have been, he felt as if someone actually cared about what happened to him. Of course Ryan knew that it was guilt and only guilt that had motivated Troy but Ryan would take whatever was given to him. However, he wasn't so much of an idiot to believe that he and Bolton were now friends. No, friendship wouldn't work for them. It hadn't in the past and it wouldn't in the future, but maybe, just maybe, after today there would be some level of respect and maybe even a dream of understanding.

A while later Ryan fell into a fitful sleep moments after his last thoughts of Troy Bolton and right before his eyes closed he vaguely noted that this was the second time that day that he had ended up on a bathroom floor.


	5. A Proposition

Disclaimer: I don't own High School Musical…shocked, no?

A/N: Ok, I was talking to someone today about my writing and they said, without even looking at anything that I have written, that my writing probably wasn't that good because of my age…that really pissed me off….just had to get that off my chest. Ok I know you want me to get on with the Troy/Ryan goodness but this is a long fiction and it takes some time…but don't lose faith. You're patience will pay off! Also in this next chapter, Gabriella comes off as a bit of a ….er, whore. However, keep in mind that she has been dating Troy for over a year so her behavior really isn't all that uncommon.

Special thanks to:

**New Reviewers**

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**Repeated reviewers:**

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You guys are the ones who keep this fiction going! I really hope that you enjoy this next chapter,. I do believe that it is the longest one so far, if I'm not mistaken. Read on! Much Love!

**A PROPOSITION**

Troy awoke the next morning not so keen on the idea of going to school. He went through his morning routine of taking a shower and brushing his teeth at a groggy, slow pace. The bright light from the bathroom burned his eyes and proceeded to make his unbearable headache worse. He had known that he wouldn't sleep well the night before and his extinct had been, of course, correct. He had spent most of the night tossing and turning, haunted by the events of what had happened the previous day. Finally, around four o'clock in the morning, he had fallen into a dreamless sleep out of pure exhaustion and had awoken this morning lying horizontally in his bed rather than vertically and with a horrendous, splitting pain in the center of his temple. He had toyed with the idea of just staying home that day and calling in sick. It wasn't as if that would be a lie, he _was_ sick. Though in the end he thought better of it. After all, since when does the school basketball star miss school because of a headache?

On his way to school he narrowly missed getting into a wreck at least 3 different times and he hit a curb at least four. Troy thought that he had never heard so much honking in his entire life. By the time he reached his locker Gabriella was already leaning against it running her fingers idly through her long hair. Troy had known that she would be there. She always was. Gabriella seemed to have an iron-clad theory, or rather paranoia, that any rift, argument or fight would inevitably lead to a break up, so she felt it was necessary to fix any problem immediately.

"Hey babe!" She greeted him in most likely the sweetest voice she could muster. She ran up to him and planted a kiss on his cheek. Then, she took his hands and placed them around her waist before entwining her own around his neck. He forced a smile as he looked down at her.

"'Morning Gabriella…about last night, I'm-" She placed a single finger to his lips.

"Don't worry about it. We're ok now." she assured him, playing with the hair on the back of his nape.

"We're ok?" He repeated her words.

"Yes and I'll show you just how much if you come over to my place tonight." She said with a suggestive grin, while tracing little designs on his chest with her finger, a weakness of Troy's that Gabriella knew all too well. Except this time, to his surprise, he wasn't affect at all by her actions. He really, in all honesty, had no interest in sex at the moment. Of course he wasn't going to let her know that.

"I'll be there."

"I thought you would." She grinned, causing her nose to wrinkle up in a way that Troy found, _most of the time_, to be adorable. "Hey I'm going to go study for my physics test with Taylor in the library. I'll see you later, ok?" She told him before pulling his head down and bringing her lips firmly to his. "Bye babe." She whispered next to his ear before heading off in the other direction, with an extra bit of swagger to her hips.

"Bye…" He called after her. A miserable feeling was growing in the pit of his stomach and it only continued to increase as he heard the front doors to the school fly open behind him.

He turned his head and saw Sharpay standing in the entryway in all her glory. Everything about her was the way that it had always been, matching clothes, matching shoes, matching purse, matching twin brother permanently attached at her side. Everything was the same. The way she flipped her blonde hair vainly behind her shoulders. The way the crowds parted as she walked briskly down the hall. The smug look plastered on her face. It all was clockwork. It was as if it had been practiced that way. Except for there was one kink in the system. Where eyes were usually planted on Sharpay and Sharpay alone, they were now focused on Ryan. Some people whispered, some people laughed, others were completely silent. Troy also recognized words such as "Fag" and "Queer" littering the air in hushed tones.

The whole time Ryan kept his eyes on his shoes and the only time he ever lifted his head his eyes found Troy's immediately. His lips curved upwards into what most wouldn't of recognized as a small smile. Even Troy wouldn't have noticed it if he hadn't been looking for it and as quickly as it had come it was gone and Ryan was staring at the tiled patterns of the school floor once more.

He walked past Troy without a second glance and Troy reluctantly headed off to his first period history class. The day went on as normally as it usually did. He was waved at in the hall far too many times to count. He received high-fives from nearly all his friends. He had to be told to keep quiet in class several times and during lunch time he was surround by far more people than the table could hold. It was all so damn predictable and yet Troy felt like he had never had a worse day in his life.

On his way to Pre-cal he saw Ryan's locker. The janitor had evidently tried to clean off the word but the permanent marker had held strong. It was dulled slightly but still as plain and cruel as ever. He had Pre-cal with Ryan and he wasn't looking forward to how uncomfortable that was going to be. He took his place at his seat and couldn't help but sneak glances at Ryan as he entered the room. He hadtwo text books, a binder and an overwhelming amount of sheet music pilled into his strained arms. Troy knew it was going to happen before it did but that didn't stop the small skip in his heart beat as he watched it take place. The foot came out from the side of one of the desks and Ryan didn't even see it until he was falling to the ground. Luckily, Ryan caught himself before he could fall all the way but in the effort to catch himself the sheet music fell to the floor.

Bobby Hatchery, the person who had tripped Ryan, bent down and picked up one of the pieces of paper. "What's this shit?" He said quite stupidly before ripping it in half. Ryan winced as he saw this but he didn't make a sound. He just gathered up his remaining papers and sat down at his desk. The teacher came in then and the laughter that had filled the room, died down quickly. Troy stole one last look in Ryan's direction and he noticed that Ryan's head was down and it stayed that way for the remainder of the class period.

After school was finally over Troy began to head out to the parking lot, incredibly happy to be ending the day, but then he had a thought. _Just maybe……_ he wasn't sure why he even wanted to find out but his curiosity and (to his dismay) concern, was far too much for him. Before he knew it, he found himself heading in a different direction. One that led up the stairs, down a hallway and into a all-too-familiar bathroom. When he opened the door to the, for the most part private, restroom he wasn't surprised to find Ryan Evans sitting on the sink counter and to his bewilderment, Ryan wasn't surprised to see him either. They didn't say anything to each other. Ryan just looked at him before nodding his head in approval. Troy walked over to the counter and hoisted himself up, sitting across from the other boy.

They sat for awhile without speaking. Any other time this would have been weird or awkward but not then. There was comfort in their silence. Comfort in the fact that they didn't have to speak if they didn't want to. Comfort in the aspect that someone was just…_there. _Finally after a wordless period, Troy looked over at Ryan who was biting away at his fingernails without notice and cleared his throat.

"So…how was your day, Ryan?" He asked quite simply. Ryan just stared at him in shock before he, to Troy's surprise, let out a snort of laughter.

"You're kidding, right?" he said through his fits of giggles and Troy, realizing the stupidity of his question, began to laugh as well. They continued on this way for several minutes before their laughter began to die down and Troy looked at Ryan with serious eyes. "No, really, how did it go today?"

"Well, I would ask before or after the ridicule but considering that was pretty much constant…" His voice died off and he didn't continue. Troy didn't mean to say what came out next and he wasn't even really sure why he did.

"You know my father knew last night about what had happened to you." Troy blurted out.

Ryan just shrugged his shoulders. "Who didn't?"

"He wouldn't…he wouldn't stop talking about it and…it just drove me insane." He still wasn't completely sure why he was sharing all this.

"That's funny, my father refuses to talk about it at all." Ryan said, going back to chewing on his fingernails.

"May I ask why?"

Ryan just look at him then, his blue eyes piercing Troy's , before replying shortly and quietly. "because his son isn't gay."

Now Troy was confused. What was that supposed to mean anyways? "But I thought-"

"At least in _his_ world I'm not."

"I'm sorry……."

"Yeah…me too." He said in a voice that was incased in bitterness. He jumped off the counter and looked at his watch. "Hey look, I've got to get going. See you later, Troy." He began to walk out but then Troy had a thought and he grabbed Ryan's forearm to stop him.

"Hey, I've got a proposition." Ryan cocked his head and waited for him to continue. "Why don't we meet in here everyday after school to just talk." Ryan looked unsure. "Look, it would give you someone to talk to and it would give me-"

"A way to relieve your guilt?" Ryan hadn't meant it the way it sounded. He just didn't trust anyone but even if he hadn't meant it they both knew that it was true. Troy jumped off the counter and brushed past him.

"Forget it"

"No, wait." Troy stopped and turned to face him. "look, I'm sorry….and I want to. It be nice to have someone to…talk to." He said the last part while staring at his feet. He seemed to be shy about the situation. Troy smiled at him.

"Good, see you tomorrow." And he walked out the door with a smile still on his face.


	6. meetings

**Disclaimer: **I don't own High School Musical…..shocked, no?

**A/N: **Hey guys, I just have to ask this one more time, please don't make me rush this! I have a very set way on how I want this fanfic to go. Other than that, I love ya'll, especially the people who tell me that ya'll like that I'm not rushing this! You make me want to do the happy dance! Which is scary because I can't dance what so ever. Anyways…..

**Special Thanks To:**

**Repeated Reviewers:**

pollypocket911: Thank you for telling me that I'm a good writer because even if I tell that to myself it isn't as much as someone else saying it, and I'm really glad that you like the story! Thank you! Much Love!

ZacEfronLuver: You are probably my most frequent reviewer and I really appreciate that! I will write more soon, and I hope you're enjoying the story!

MyFictionalAnnihilation: Thanks for the correction...I personally hate math! ha! Also, I think that it's really great that you take people into your group when they 'come out'. That shows what an amazing person you are.

.x.x.Mystic.x.x.: I always look forward to your reviews because I love your writing and it makes my heart happy that you love mine! I will do my own happy dance when your new chapter comes out! Can't wait!

Mondler4EvEr: Thank you for making me feel better, because I'm sixteen and your fifteen and your writing is better than mine and the fact that you think that I am a good writer means a lot coming from someone like you.

Braids21: First I've got to say that I love your screen name! Also, it's ok that you missed my last update because you reviewed for this one! In fact you were the first to review! Go you! Thanks so much!

**New Reviewers:**

rwb16: Thanks for liking my story and it will become Troy and Ryan soon enough! I promise!

sharpayxevans: Hey a new reviewer! When I read that you thought my story was "incredible" you put a smile on my face after a very bad day. So my personal thanks to you because you made my day!

DarkPhoenix1987: Hi, you're a new reviewer! Thank you for saying that you think my story is getting good and I hope you enjoy the future chapters!

Thank you for being my inspiration! Much Love!

* * *

**MEETINGS**

It went on that way for a couple of weeks. Meetings everyday in the bathroom. _Their_ bathroom. Sometimes they talked for hours. Just little conversations that meant nothing and everything. They were never really specific on what they discussed. Sometimes it was about school, other times it was about interests. They talked about everything. Well, _almost_ everything. Some subjects were off limits. Ryan's father for instance was obviously dangerous waters. Troy remembered the one time that he had tried to bring it up. He had asked in a casual voice why Ryan's father was never at any of the plays that Ryan was in and Ryan had just stared at the wall, at the floor, at the ceiling, anywhere but at him, and Troy had known. Just one moment of Ryan's reluctance and Troy could see that he was not welcome in that part of Ryan's life. At least not yet.

Some of the best conversations were when they really didn't talk about anything at all. Just unimportant jokes and stories that held no value to them. They didn't have to talk about bullying and neglect and pain because there was comfort in their meaningless words.

Troy also began to find things out about Ryan. Things he had never noticed before. Things that he hadn't picked up on in the almost eleven years that they had known each other. Like the way Ryan would pick at his fingernails whenever he got nervous. Or the way he liked to swing his feet as they dangled off the edge of the sink counter. Never anything drastic, just little quirks and habits. Troy had picked up on almost every one of Ryan's little rituals and could now almost pin point them religiously. Troy also noticed how easily Ryan could make him laugh. He was witty, a trait that Troy would never have pinned on Ryan, and given the chance he could pull humor out of almost everything. _Almost_. Sometimes they would test each other. One of them would say something slightly dirty and then wait to see how long it would take the other one to take it a step further before inevitably stepping over that invisible, but ever present ethical line. Those little games usually ended up with one of them a lovely shade of ruby and the other laughing their ass off.

There were also days when things didn't go so well. Days when Ryan was tormented at school and they spent their little meetings in silence because Troy didn't know what to say and he didn't think it would help anyways. Those were the days when Troy would just watch Ryan. He had become accustomed to Ryan's appearance, the way he dressed, the way he looked, the very way he carried himself. Ryan's blonde hair had a habit of falling into his eyes and sometimes when he didn't move the strand out of his face it annoyed Troy so much that he had to stop himself from reaching over and brushing it aside himself. Yes, Ryan did dress differently from everyone else, and Troy was sure that Ryan had triple the clothes that he himself had but Troy liked the fact that Ryan was different. There was fresh air when it came to Ryan, something new. Then there was his eyes. Ice blue. Piercing. Haunted. Brilliant. So many words. Never enough.

Troy hated some of those days however. Loved them and hated them because they made him want to keep coming back and he knew it would never work. One of these days someone was going to walk in through that bathroom door and everything they had built would be destroyed because as soon as someone would ask "Hey are you and Queer friends?" Troy knew what he would say. No….always no. In their world they were friends. In fact Ryan was probably the best friend that Troy had ever had, but to anyone else but them, even the people they were outside the restroom walls, they meant nothing to each other. And if Troy was ever confronted on this he would go on living his lie, because when they saw each other in the halls there was no caring, no compassion, no friendship. Both of them knew this and that was why these meetings were becoming so difficult because they made them want to forget.

So they _would_ forget. At least for now. They would go on having their discussions and their laughs because the thought of it ending started to become too much. Troy knew that he was going to lose his friend one day but everyday that he spent with Ryan made him hope that that time would be later rather than sooner. Ryan was unlike anybody he had ever met. He was hurting but he also knew that others were hurting as well. Troy had never felt so…..at home with anybody in his life. Ryan listened to any problem that Troy had even though Troy knew that his problems would never amount to what Ryan was going through.

It was also starting to get harder and harder to just stand by and watch as Ryan was harassed . Sometimes Troy got so angry that he would cut holes into his palm with his fingernails from clinching his fists as he watched what people did to Ryan. He felt protective over him but he never would act on these instincts because he couldn't. If he did their cover would be blown and that would just make things worse for everybody.

If it bothered Ryan that Troy never stood up for him he never said anything about it and Troy had the feeling that this was because Ryan never wanted to say something that might drive him away. However, what Ryan didn't realize was the fact that it would be _very_ hard to drive Troy away. Troy began to start wanting to spend more time with Ryan than he should. More that his dad, more than his friends, even more than Gabriella because Ryan wasn't like them. He didn't tell Troy how to act and he never expected anything from Troy other than for him to just be himself. Everyday Troy cared more about his secret friend and everyday that past, every little conversation that was shared in private between them, was just a reminder that good things don't always last


	7. Is it?

**Disclaimer: **I don't own High School Musical….shocked no?

**A/N: **After this chapter things will start to…eh, move? So, read on and I hope you enjoy it. Also, Sharpay is one of my favorite characters, so how she is in this chapter does not reflect my actual view of her. Oh, and ya'll know the forum that's the High School Musical Awards? I really wish that they had a catagory for best Ryan/Troy fandom, but everytime I bring it up no one says anything. Of course we could make up awards with really really screwed up catagories, like...best chapter, or best paragraph in a story...or best title! (The actual story sucks metaphorical ass but what a catchy title!)...eh...I'm wierd...I apologize.

**Special Thanks to: **

Repeated reviewers:

xMissxLovelyx: Thanks for the advice. I'm really glad you're back and I can't wait to start reading Untitled again!

ANoRDaE: Don't fell bad that you didn't review because when you do it makes up for it! Ha! I love your story, it is exceptionally well written!

Pollypocket911 : Yay! I'm glad you caught the foreshadowing! Thanks for reviewing all this time, and I really hope I never let you down in my story! Much Love!

Braids21: Yes, I thought it was about time that I start getting into the physical aspects of my characters. Yeah, I'm only 16. I am a very young junior. Anyways, you write very well yourself! Thanks for reviewing!

MyFictionalAnnihilation: Once again, I really admire the fact that you help out and befriend people who actually need it! You're awesome!

ZacEfronLuver: You make me laugh, and yay, here's another chapter! Much Love!

theferretmenace: look, I updated. Are you gonna love me long time like you promised? You will make me sad if you don't!

Mondler4EvEr: Yay! Go theatre addicts! Woot! I just ready El Tango de Gabriella! It was fantastic! Also, I love when you reviewer it makes me happy! Hey, I sing too!

Playmaker16: Something is going to happen in the next few chapters….I promise! Thanks for reviewing!

New Reviewers:

empath89: I'm glad that you like it! I love the name by the way! Well, about the whole Troy helping Ryan out thing…it's all in my head, so you're just gonna have to wait and see!

Diana Shra: It's ok that you haven't reviewed before because you're reviewing now! Yeah, it's OOC, but I think that it could apply as hidden emotions that we don't see in the movie! Thanks so much for reviewing!

potterluvva: Yay! You think my story is excellent! That makes me happy! Thanks so much!

Ryan.Evans.Is.King: Thanks for liking the story, and I have to agree with you, Ryan Evans is king! Haha! Much Love!

Phew, 13 reviewers! That's the most I've had so far……and I think I used 'Yay' like 20 different times…but eh, whatever. Anyways, this next chapter is Ryan centric! Enjoy! Much Love!

**

* * *

**

**Is It?**

Is it disappointing to think that every morning when Ryan opens his eyes that he's only waking up for one reason and one reason alone? Is it pathetic that he only has one thing to look forward to as he gets in his car and drives towards his hell. Is it something to be pitied that when 3:30 rolls around everyday that Ryan can't control the surge of excitement that courses through every fiber of his body? Well, is it? Ryan asks himself these questions every single minute of every single day and every time he comes to the same resolution. _It depends on what's_ _making you feel that way. _And when he thinks about what it is a single face pops into his mind and all his questions are answered.

* * *

"So how can you stand to live with someone like Sharpay?" Came the blunt question from Troy Bolton. Ryan couldn't help but laugh at Troy's honest bewilderment.

"Well, she's really not all that bad." Troy gave him a quizzical stare. "Look, I know she can be a little difficult." Troy snorted. "Ok she can be _really_ difficult, but she knows what she wants and she knows what she has to do to get it…..plus she's my sister and I think it's in the manual that I have to love her…….and most of it is just an act, a mask, you know? Maybe one day you'll see that."

"Eh, to each his own." Troy said shrugging his shoulders and both of the boys burst out laughing. Ryan loved the way that Troy laughed. He loved the way that his lips parted and his eyes closed tightly shut. He would sit transfixed as Troy would throw his head back and his light brown hair would fall away from his face.

It was his second favorite thing about Troy. The first was much more important to Ryan. It was Troy's smile. Not just any smile but the smile that he showed to Ryan alone. Ryan would watch Troy through cautious glances everyday in the halls of their school and never once would he see that smile grace Troy's lips. Whether he was with Gabriella, Chad or anyone of his posse, his smile always seemed to be forced and laced with…lies. When he smiled around Ryan his whole face would light up. There was no secrets hidden behind it only truth and innocence and it was all for Ryan and Ryan alone.

"You know Ryan….you-you're one of my best friends." It was such a simple statement, clouded with shyness and somewhat child-like, but Ryan was taken aback none-the-less. He hadn't expected that. Thirty seconds ago they had been laughing and joking and now they were both stunned into silence. Troy, by his own sudden outburst and Ryan, by the actual meaning of the words. In the hallways statements like this were said all the time between friends and most of the time it was casual and obvious, but not here, not in this place. To them those words would never be _just words. _

"Yeah, you mean a lot to me too." _You'll never know just how much_. Both of them looked away from each other then, the truths that they had just revealed making them shy and nervous, but they didn't stay in silence for long.

"Ryan….please tell me about your dad." Ryan looked back at Troy. Oh great. Here it was. He should of known that this type of question was going to come sooner or later. He took a deep breath….

"What do you want to know?" Troy's eyes widened in surprise. He had asked the question but he hadn't really expect a reply.

"Anything…….how he used to treat you…… you know, before you…." Troy trailed off. They never talked about Ryan being gay. Neither of them were really comfortable with the subject. It was like a lurking shadow, always there and always aware but never addressed.

"Well, when I was little my dad was my hero. I know it sounds corny, but I always wanted to be around him. I was my dad's hope for the future. No one really knows this, but when I was seven I played football for about a year. My dad had been so proud. It was something that he had always wanted, 'a football star' and God, all _I_ wanted was to make him happy, make him proud to have me as his son. Needless to say, I wasn't very good. I never got to play during games and during practice I was the target for the bigger kids…..kind of like it is now." Ryan laughed bitterly at the connection shaking his head and Troy just sat and waited for him to go on.

"So I quit after one season. I remember how upset he had been. It was the first time that I had ever really seen him angry at me. It only got worse when I was introduced to theatre and fell in love with it. After that dad didn't really treat me the same way. Theatre was alright for Sharpay but never for his _son…… _but it wasn't until about eight months ago that I completely ruined everything. I remember that we were all sitting around for dinner and……." Ryan turned his head away and began to chew on his already barely existent fingernails. He was nervous and Troy knew it. "And he asked me to pass the salt and, I didn't even realize I had said it. I passed him the salt and I said 'Dad, I'm gay.' Oh God Troy, I said it like I was talking about the fucking weather." Ryan didn't even seem to notice Troy now. He was lost in his thoughts, trapped in his memories. "I'll never forget the expression on his face. It was like I had killed him or something. I wanted to scream at him 'No, no dad, I didn't mean it. I was just kidding.' but he knew. He didn't talk to me the rest of that night and the next day when he came home from work he just stopped me in the hall and said simply, 'No you're not.'…… I guess to him that was enough."

It had hurt to say it out loud because it was like reliving it all over again but this time Ryan wasn't alone. Troy leaned over and placed a hand upon Ryan's. Calloused hands on top of smooth. Warmth against cold. "Never believe that you're disappointing, or that you're anything less than what you are, Ryan Evans, do you understand me?" Troy said firmly and Ryan slowly nodded his head, his eyes glistening slightly. Then Troy looked down at their hands. He just stared at them with curiosity, as if he hadn't realized what he had done. Then his eyes widened and he pulled away quickly clearing his throat.

"Hey Troy?"

"Yeah?" Troy said, running his hands through his hair in mild frustration. Ryan couldn't believe he was about to say this. He knew that he should just keep his mouth shut.

"Would you do me a favor?"

Troy looked at him, his eyes boring into his own. "Anything" and for the first time in Ryan's life, he felt as if that word was spoken in absolute sincerity.

"Stand up for me?" It sounded so simple and yet it was one of the most difficult of requests. Ryan didn't explain what he meant but Troy knew none the less. Troy's face faltered and for one sickening moment Ryan feared that he might actually say no, but then Troy smiled, the smile that was only for Ryan.

"I will."

* * *

Ryan had just arrived home late again, and he had been sitting his room alone for only about fifteen minutes before a mass of blonde hair stormed into his room. Ryan found himself slightly annoyed that she didn't knock, but then again, Sharpay never did.

"Where have you been?" She demanded.

"Well you don't waste time." Ryan replied dryly before taking a seat on his bed.

"Just answer the question Ryan."

"I've been out, Sharpay, just out." He said nonchalantly and pulled a magazine out from a drawer in his bedside table, hoping that she would take the hint that he was in no mood to talk.

"With who?" She never did give up. Ryan briefly toyed with the idea of lying to her but Sharpay could always tell when he was lying. After all she was his twin. "You're 'out' all the time, Ryan. You disappear everyday right after school. This isn't like you! So who is it?"

"Troy Bolton." Ryan replied shortly and sat back and waited for the fireworks to begin.

"What?" Sharpay's pale blue eyes widened in shock and her voice rose several octaves. "This isn't good."

"Sharpay-"

"No Ryan, you don't know what you're doing. It's like playing with fire when someone like you starts messing around with someone like Bolton."

"He's just a friend Sharpay."

"Fuck Ryan, don't lie to me!"

"It doesn't mean anything." Ryan was struggling to keep his voice calm.

"I said stop lying!"

"Please just leave it alone."

"Ryan-"

"He cares about me!" Both of them were stunned by Ryan's outburst. This was bad. He was just a friend. _Just a friend. Don't do this to yourself Ryan._

"Forget about him Ryan."

"Get out." He said quietly, gripping the sheets on his bed so hard that his knuckles had begun to turn white. Sharpay was surprised, Ryan never stood up to her.

"What?" Maybe she had just heard him wrong.

"I said, GET OUT!" Ryan yelled at her and Sharpay jumped slightly but she turned towards the door never-the-less. Before she walked out of the room she gave him a look of worry and pity and said two simple words. "Be careful."

Was it disappointing? No. Was it pathetic? No. Was it something to be pitied?……No. But one question would haunt Ryan the rest of that night. Were these feelings, this uncontrollable longing, terrifying?….Yes, yes it was.


	8. Dreams

****

Disclaimer: I do not own High School Musical….shocked, no?

****

A/N: I hardly need to remind you that this fiction is rated M, so keep that in mind as you read ahead.

****

Special thanks to:

I do not own High School Musical….shocked, no?I hardly need to remind you that this fiction is rated M, so keep that in mind as you read ahead.

Egyptian-Fire

sharpayxevans

Disney-Kid

G3nk1

Diana Shra 

Braids21

MyFictionalAnnihilation

Crimsonred1989

pollypocket911

ZacEfronLuver

theferretmenace

FallingWithGrace

Mondler4EvEr

I'm sorry I didn't write personal thanks but I am in a rush, I'll do it in the next chapter. Warning: angst lies ahead. I love you guys! Much Love!

****

_Dreams_

_Troy was dreaming, or at least he believed he was dreaming. He was standing in the center of the school stage and to his relief he wasn't naked and the audience wasn't throwing tomatoes at him. On the contrary, he wasn't even sure if there **was **and audience. He squinted out into the rows of seats as the blinding stage lights clouded his vision. At first, he could barely make out a single silhouette, however, as he continued to look, he saw 5 people, then 20, then 60,until everywhere he looked there was a full seat. So there **was** an audience. In fact the house was packed. He couldn't see their eyes but Troy was sure that every one of them was planted on him._

_The heat from the stage lights continued to beam down on him and it started to become unbearable. As he stood there in silence, sweat began to pour from his forehead and underarms. Soon his shirt was clinging to his skin. He tried to fan himself with his hands but to no avail. He couldn't stand it any longer. All spotlights and all eyes were on him and the heat from it all was killing him. Before he could stop himself he began to strip. First his shirt, then his shoes, next his pants and, to his horror, his boxers. He knew he should stop but he couldn't, he had to get away from the confides of his clothes. Soon he was standing there in front of hundreds of people completely naked. _

_He waited for the laughs to come but they never did. It was as silent as ever, the only sounds came from Troy's own harsh breathing. As he stood there, Troy began to take in his surroundings. Behind him, he vaguely noticed a dark blue syke with thousands of little shining stars scattered on it. Then to his left he saw a single piano sitting off to the side. He recognized this, it was the same set from when he had sung Breaking Free with Gabriella. As if on cue, he heard his own voice fill his ears. It was distant and muffled but it was there._

_**We're soarin', flyin'**_

_**There's not a star in heaven**_

_**That we can't reach.**_

_He waited for Gabriella's voice to follow his own but it never did. In place of where Gabriella's singing was supposed to be a male voice was there instead. It was a voice that Troy recognized all too well. It was Ryan's. Beautiful, strong, and so much more clear than his own._

_**If we're tryin',**_

_**So we're breaking free. **_

_He saw Ryan then, he stepped out from behind the shadows of the curtains and started to walk towards him. Now the audience began to respond. As they saw Ryan approach, Troy heard protests and shouts of outrage, but still their voices rang together in perfect harmony above the insults from the crowd. Ryan seemed to appear as an angel in Troy's dreams. He had a glow about him, where the rest of the world was cast in shadow and hate. As he stared into the face that belonged to Ryan, Troy also noticed that the unbearable heat was gone. With Ryan came relief._

_Ryan spoke to him then. His voice was soft but clear. "You are stripped of your past." He said indicating towards Troy's discarded clothing. "those represent your fear, your pain…your denial. Now you are left bare. Free of your restraints." Ryan leaned in so close to Troy that his blonde hair brushed against Troy's skin. "The world used to see you in a way that was different than who you are." he whispered next to Troy's ear, his words ringing true to the song._

_Ryan then turned towards the audience. His voice was firm. "But now you stand before them as yourself, untainted by the lies that have bound you for so long." He shouted the words so everyone could hear. More shouts rose up from the audience. Ryan turned back to face Troy, his blue eyes bring into him. "They will not accept me, but they trust you…….for now… but I warn you, if you choose me they will turn you away. They choose to deny what they do not understand." _

_the cries from the audience began to rise in magnitude, louder and louder. Troy clutched at his ears, the fiery heat was back. There was so much pain, so much fear, but most of all there was hate. Troy could feel all of these things, magnified by the people that surrounded him. He began to buckle at the knees and cry out in pain. He heard the voices from the audience yell out in unison. "CHOOSE HIM, LOSE US!" Troy was drowning, suffocating in their rage. It was all to much, but just as he was about to black out, a soft hand took his own and it all stopped. He looked up into the face of his broken angel and once again Ryan brought him relief. There was silence now as Ryan gently pulled him to his feet once more. Ryan reached out slowly and placed a light hand on Troy's face, running his fingertips along his cheeks. _

"_What do you choose?"_

* * *

Troy awoke with a start. His breath came out in ragged puffs and he was dripping with cold sweat. He could feel the tingle as the blood rushed back into his fingers as he let go of the sheets that he had been gripping. It had all seemed so real. Even though the entire time he had known he was dreaming, he could still feel everything. The guilt, the rage, the life as his fingertips had touched Ryan's. Ryan…….

"What do you choose?"

He could still hear Ryan's voice as the words repeated in his head. They haunted him. How could he choose between the people that he had loved for years 's and the person who……

His thoughts trailed off, he would not let his mind go there. Not _there. _"Oh, God……."

* * *

He was surprised he made it to school on time. He had slept through his alarm and had barely walked through the front doors as the bell rang. He rushed down the hall and didn't even stop to get the books out of his locker. He turned down the corridor that led to his first period class and what he saw made his heart stop. He saw the large figure first, he was holding a smaller person up against a locker. It took him only a second to realize that the second person was Ryan.

"Hey fudge packer, fuck any ass last night?" The boy holding Ryan said in a crude voice, shoving Ryan against the locker even harder for good measure. Ryan let out a small whimper but other than that he remained silent.

God, where were the teachers? _Where were the fucking teachers?_

"It's your kind that makes the world so fucked up." _Your kind , _he said it like he thought Ryan was a completely different race. The boy holding Ryan moved his hand until he was gripping at Ryan's crotch. Ryan closed his eyes tightly shut and a single tear slipped out from the corner. "Yeah, you like that don't you, you sick shit." Troy felt his stomach churn. The boy laughed cruelly as his hands left Ryan's private areas and returned to gripping his collar. The boy had to be at least twice Ryan's size….he didn't stand a chance.

The boy holding Ryan didn't notice Troy behind him, but Ryan did. He peered over the boy's shoulder and his eyes flooded with relief. Troy was there. Troy would protect him…he had promised. Ryan's eyes pleaded with him. _Stop this, please stop this_.

__

What do you choose?

He looked over at Ryan, into those blue pools that he had become so accustomed to, and shook his head. "I'm sorry" he mouthed, and Ryan's eyes widened in disbelief. He began to walk away from his tormented friend. _I have made my choice._


	9. So Weak

**Disclaimer**: I don't own High School Musical…shocked, no?

**A/N**: Ok I haven't updated in a while but I've been sick so give me some credit there. Ok in this next chapter I wanted to show a dominate side to Ryan because I'm the writer and I can do that type of stuff. Great news, FallingWithGrace and I will be co-writing! So, when the story comes out, check it out! Also, I just wrote a Ryan and Sharpay story called Behind Closed Doors, so if you like that sort of thing check it out!

**Special Thanks to:**

CSIslave

death101

Playmaker16

karly

Diana Shra

MyFictionalAnnihilation

Braids21

sharpayxevans

Mondler4EvEr

Disney-Kid

pollypocket911

potterluvva

ANoRDaE

Crimsonred1989

ZacEfronLuver

FallingWithGrace

theferretmenace

Ok so I realize that I might of pissed a lot of you off with that last chapter but just have faith guys, I've had the entire plot in my head since the beginning, I know what I'm doing. Anyways, I LOVE you guys! Hugs all around! Much Love!

* * *

**So Weak**

Ryan wasn't there after school and Troy wasn't surprised. He had known all along that Ryan wouldn't come. Even as he had opened the door to the familiar bathroom hehadn't expected Ryan to be sitting there cross-legged on the tiled counter waiting for him. No, he wouldn't be there that day, or the next, or the next, and yet Troy waited anyways. For two weeks Troy would wait at least and hour everyday after school in hopes of seeing something that he knew would never come. Troy wasn't even sure what he would say if Ryan _did_ show up. Somehow, _'Hey, sorry I broke my promise and screwed you over, I was just worried that I was turning out like you.'_ didn't really seem to be enough. Troy knew that he didn't deserve Ryan's forgiveness yet, he wanted it all the same. He wanted Ryan to tell him that it was all ok, that none of what he had done had really mattered…that they could still be friends.

Troy Bolton was such an asshole. He knew it, he was almost positive that Ryan knew it, and it wouldn't be very long until the rest of the world figured it out. Actually, he was even worse than that, he was a weak asshole. It was apparent that he was only concerned with looking out for his own ass and he ended up losing the best friend that he had ever had because of it.

Troy saw Ryan in the hallways everyday but Ryan never made eye contact with him. In fact, it was like Ryan refused to even believe that Troy existed. To ignore someone like Troy Bolton was difficult at best but Ryan pulled it off beautifully. If he had to pass Troy in the hallways then he would do it facing forward with his head held high. He was the absolute mirror of dignity even though that was something that had been stolen from Ryan long ago.

However, while one Evans chose to ignore Troy all together he often found a pair of narrowed eyes planted on him. He didn't know if Ryan had actually told Sharpay about what had happened, but she knew. During class Troy would often catch her glaring at him, except for this sneer was different from the one that had seemed to be permanently attached on her pretty face since second grade. Now there was cold rage pouring from her brown eyes. At one point Troy had accidentally bumped into her in the hallway. He had quickly tried to apologize but she had cut him off with a simple "Go to Hell" So, Sharpay did care about something after all.

So for a couple of weeks it went on like this. Troy waiting in vain for forgiveness. Sharpay, trying to drown him in her hate, and Ryan trying to pretend everything was alright. None of them were very successful. Troy never found forgiveness. Sharpay unfortunately found Troy to still be breathing, and for Ryan nothing was really alright.

Troy often found himself wondering what was truly going on in Ryan's mind. Did Ryan care? Did he want everything to go back to the way things were? Did he hate Troy as much as Troy hated himself? He would ask himself these questions until he thought his head was going to explode but they didn't matter because Troy would never get to know the answers. So once Troy realized that this task was unsuccessful he would move on to trying to convince himself that he had actually done the right thing. He soon found this task to be even more pointless than the first because no matter how much he tried to convince himself otherwise the simple fact was that Troy had chickened out when it had really mattered and that was unforgivable.

It had been two weeks since Ryan had so much as looked at Troy and even though he felt like this was probably a bad decision Troy felt like he had to do something. The bell to end the school day had just rung and it didn't take Troy long to find a blonde haired boy standing at his locker putting his books away. Troy looked around him to make sure no one was looking and abruptly grabbed Ryan and pulled him into an empty hallway. Ryan's blue eyes were wide with shock but as soon as he realized who had grabbed him his face went back to the same expression that had greeted Troy for the past two weeks.

"Can I help you with something, Bolton?" Ryan asked, trying to keep his voice as steady as possible. So they were back to last names.

"look Ryan-"

"Just save it. It doesn't matter." Ryan turned to walk away but Troy grabbed his arm and turned him back around to face him.

"It matters to me, and I know it matters to you…please just let me explain."

Ryan pulled roughly away from Troy and slammed his fist on the locker beside him. "Explain what Troy? Explain how you fucked me over by making me believe that you actually cared about something more than yourself? Explain how you watched as that bastard touched me and you did _nothing about it? _Is that what you want to explain because I don't really give a shit anymore. Oh trust me, I did for a while but then I just gave up trying to figure you out Troy Bolton. No, what I want you to explain to me is who in the hell you think you are. You couldn't just leave me alone could you? You couldn't just stay away from me?"

"Please, Ryan, please listen to me. I didn't want this to happen. I just couldn't -"

"Oh I know what you're going to say. You couldn't just let everybody know that you were friends with the school fag… is that what you wanted to tell me?" Troy looked down at his feet. "You're so weak Troy. You make everybody believe that you're some kind of god. You make people believe that you are the leader and yet you are the only one being controlled. You're just _so weak." _Troy had never felt as if words could hurt so much and yet as he stood there listening to what he deserved he knew words were the cause of all this pain. It had all started with one word written on a locker. The power of speech was a terrible mistake. "I feel like such an idiot." Ryan's voice was soft now, strained even.

"Ryan, I care about you, perhaps more than anyone I've ever cared about in my entire life." Ryan stood there in silence and for a moment Troy believed that Ryan was actually going to forgive him.

"You know for some who cares so much you sure do a lot of walking away." Ryan said bluntly and then as if to say, 'You taught me the way', he turned on his heel and walked off. Troy made no attempt to stop him. Ryan's words had hurt and yet there was more truth in those few minutes then Troy had ever received in his whole life. He stood there for a few moments unmoving until he finally gathered the strength to walk to his locker and grab his stuff. Their conversation played out in his head over and over again until he felt that those words would be the only ones that he would hear for the rest of his life. _'You're so weak Troy.' So weak. So weak. _He walked slowly out the front doors of his school. He didn't expect anybody to be around because school usually cleared out pretty quickly, but as he turned the corner to the side of the building he realized just how wrong he was.

"Fuck." he breathed as he saw one of the worst sights that he had ever seen in his life. There were three of them. Two of them were holding Ryan's arms and a third one was punching . Troy recognized the boy as the same one from the hallway, Bobby Hatchery. He was grunting profanities as he laid punch after punch into Ryan's trembling form and the other two were laughing.

"Please- please." Was all that Ryan could get out before the asshole punched him in the face. Blood poured from Ryan's nose onto his pale cheeks and his lip was busted open. Troy already felt sick but then Bobby demanded that the other two let him go. Ryan fell to the ground with a groan as he clutch at his side. Troy briefly had hopes that it was all over, but then Bobby began to kick Ryan in the stomach.

"What are you doing?" One the other boys asked in shock.

"I'm teaching this sick bastard a lesson." Hatchery said in between kicks. Troy saw red. He didn't think about what he was doing. He couldn't think at all. Only one thing matter. Ryan was the only thing that mattered. He walked swiftly up to Bobby, touched him on the shoulder and as Bobby began to turn around Troy punched him as hard as he could muster. Bobby fell immediately to the ground and Troy felt as if his hand was broken.

Troy had admitted to himself long ago that he cared for Ryan but in a matter of moments, with one punch, he showed everybody else just how much.


	10. The Truth

**Disclaimer: **I do not own High School Musical……Shocked, no?

**A/N: **Ok I personally wasn't please with the last chapter. I felt that I rushed Troy's reaction too much but the deal is is that I have had this story set up chapter for chapter since the beginning, so that's the way things ended up. Also, FallingWithGrace suggested that I have Bobby rape Ryan. I seriously thought about it because it was a great suggestion and FallingWithGrace really knows her shit (pardon my French) but in the end I decided against it because I want to keep this story as realistic as possible and I believe that if Bobby had raped Ryan and Troy had seen it then Troy would have been forced to call the police. That's just what I believe and that is why I decided against it. Anyways, I love you guys and I hope you enjoy the next chapter.

**Special Thanks To:**

JR

Queen of the Paperclips

Dark Angel Kira

karly

Diana Shra 

La-la 

theferretmenace  


CSIslave

Disney-Kid

Dragon Pants  


ANoRDaE

pollypocket911  


Crimsonred1989

mordechaimalachai  


ZacEfronLuver

FallingWithGrace

death101

  
mrsbinx1013

Mondler4EvEr

Braids21

MyFictionalAnnihilation  


potterluvva

* * *

**The Truth**

It all happened in a matter of seconds. Bobby fell heavily to the ground, stunned and extremely incoherent. Troy stepped over him fighting off two different urges. The first was to kick him in the face and knock out at least five teeth and the second was to beg Bobby not to tell anybody what he had done. Troy walked over to Ryan and gently, but quickly, pulled him to his feet. The other two boys who had been holding Ryan stood like statues with dazed expressions on their faces. They made no attempt to stop Troy as he began to head for his car, supporting Ryan along the way. One thought kept blaring in Troy's mind, '_What have I done?'_

On the way to Ryan's house neither one of the two boys spoke. Ryan clutched at his stomach and stared intently out the window in hopes of avoiding Troy's eyes. He felt stunned by the entire situation. The blinding rage that he felt only fifteen minutes ago had now vanished, but it wasn't replaced with forgiveness. In fact, it wasn't replaced with really anything at all. Ryan found it surprising that the only thought in his mind was _'I hope I don't get blood on his seats.'_

Troy, however, was a completely different story. His brain couldn't focus on one thought and one thought alone. He was filled with so many different emotions that it was amazing that he could pay attention well enough to not kill them in a car accident. This was anything but good. It would be all over school tomorrow about what had happened and if Troy had it all to do over again he wasn't sure if he would make the same decision. He had worked so hard to keep this a secret. He had even let Ryan be harassed just so he could keep his reputation intact. Well that was all shot to hell now.

"This is where I live." Troy was so startled by Ryan's soft interruption that he hit the side of the curb causing Ryan to fling forward in his seat. Ryan let out a groan of pain.

"Sorry, I-"

"Wasn't paying attention?" Ryan offered while rubbing his side where the seat belt had dug in. Troy just nodded his head and stepped out of the car. He walked over to Ryan's side and helped him out of the car.

"Are your parents home?" Troy asked as he supported Ryan up to his front door.

"No." Ryan answered and both were relieved. Neither one of them was actually looking forward to explaining this whole ordeal to Ryan's parents, especially Ryan's dad. Ryan pulled his house keys out of his pocket and opened the front door. Troy suppressed a gasp as he stepped into Ryan's house. There was only one word that could be used to describe it accurately…….expensive. Troy wouldn't have been surprised if a butler had stepped out and offered them hot towels and mints. With the help of Ryan, Troy found Ryan's room. He walked Ryan over to his bed and as he tried to set Ryan down on the mattress he lost his balance and fell on top of Ryan. If Ryan hadn't of been hurt he might of found this situation more 'pleasing' but instead he let out a cry of pain.

"God, I'm sorry." Troy said quickly and almost fell off the bed as he stumbled to get off of Ryan.

"No problem…" Ryan said through gritted teeth. Troy sat upright next to Ryan and Troy noticed he had suddenly picked up on Ryan's fingernail chewing habits. He quickly pulled his fingers away from his mouth and clasped his hands together instead.

"Thank you Troy." It was so quiet, at first Troy wasn't even sure if he had heard it, but it was there. He turned to face Ryan and simply nodded his head. He didn't say anything because he was afraid of what would happen if he opened his mouth. He doubted that his words would be a simple 'you're welcome.'

"Do you wish that you hadn't of done it?" _Oh God, _he didn't know what to say. _Yes? No? It's complicated? _Far too complicated…….. Ryan just starred at him waiting for an answer. _Think of something, Troy! Change the subject!_

"You've got some blood on your lip." _Nice work, idiot. _Ryan looked at him quizzically before reaching up to wipe the blood away.

"Did I get it?" Ryan asked.

"No, not completely" Troy reached up to wipe the blood away from Ryan's beautiful, bruised skin and both of their hearts stopped. It all happened so quickly. Too quickly to even realize what was really occuring. Ryan leaned in and his lips brushed softly against Troy's. There was a deafening buzzing in Troy's ears and soft lips and the bitter taste of blood was the only thing that he could even begin to comprehend…..for about three seconds. _NO! NO! NO!_ He had let his lips linger on Ryan's too long. _Too long!_

"NO!" He pushed Ryan off of him, perhaps a little too roughly. Ryan fell away from him with a stunned expression on his face and hurt in his eyes.

"Troy, I-" Ryan began desperately but Troy cut him off.

"No, just stay away Ryan." Troy said frantically, holding up his hands in defensive as if he thought Ryan was going to attack him. His movements were jerky and panicked and his eyes were wild.

"Troy, just calm down-" Ryan started to walk towards him and Troy backed into the door.

"I SAID STAY AWAY FROM ME!" He shouted it so loud that his voice was hoarse by the end. Ryan jumped back in surprise and Troy took this as an opportunity to bolt out the door. Ryan's desperate shouts of "I'm sorry." followed him all the way home.

Around twenty minutes later Troy found himself in the confides of his rooms. He was shaking still and his mind refused to acknowledge what had just happened. He had not just kissed a boy, _God no, God no. _He had to do something to get his mind off of this. _Anything_ to get his mind off of this. Then it came to him. Gabriella!

He picked up his cell phone and his fingers trembled as he fumbled to dial in her number. It rang once, twice, three times.

"Goddammit, pick up the phone!

"Troy?" Gabriella's voice was confused.

"Hey, Gabriella, can you come over?"

"Are you alright Troy? You sound upset."

"Just come over!" He hadn't meant to yell.

"I don't know Troy-"

"Please Gabriella. _Please, _I need you." He tried desperately to keep his voice calm

"I'll be there in half an hour."

* * *

He looked over at the naked girl lying in his bed. Her beautiful black hair cascaded over her flawless body and her long eyelashes fell against her delicate cheeks, and in all his life Troy had never found anything less appealing. He had taken her from behind that night. It was something that he had never done before but had felt an overwhelming urge to do. To his horror, at one point in the middle, though he would be damned before he would admit it, his traitorous eyes had seen blonde instead of black and he had had to bite down on his lip to stop a certain name from slipping from his tongue as he had reached his breaking point.

As he sat there with his face in his hands, he refused to believe his own ruination. He would forget. He could always forget. In time there would be no memory of lips that should never be touched by his own. In time, he would feel love and lust for Gabriella again. In time it wouldn't be true. Troy liked girls. He liked to _fuck_ girls. Troy realized how crude his own thoughts were but he didn't care because in the end if he said he wasn't, then he wasn't it. It he didn't want to be, he didn't have to be. He didn't want to be like that, _not like that, not like that. _So for the rest of the night he would sit like that. Trapped in his thoughts, choosing to lie to himself rather than admit it, because there is comfort in denial, bliss in your ignorance, and damnation in the truth.


	11. My Saving Grace

**Disclaimer:** Don't own. So don't sue…..getting so tired of writing that.

**A/N: **Ok I have noticed that whenever I get in a bad mood I tend to let out my frustrations, in unhealthy parody writing. Strange, no? Anyways moving on, this is my longest chapter yet, woot, and it's not only Troy centric but Ryan centric as well. It briefly mentions religion and it has quite a bit of angst in it, but since when has this story not had angst? Anyways, I wrote a Ryan/Sharpay fiction so if you're in a steamy, I'm going to hell, type of mood then read it and I also wrote a parody, so if you're in a funny, drugs are tasty, type of mood, then read that. Ok chapter twelve is the chapter that I have been waiting to write since I started this bloody story, so that is what is coming after this chapter. claps excitedly but I hope that you also like this chapter.

**Special Thanks To:**

Braids21

DarkPhoenix1987

ANoRDaE

sharpayxevans  


FallingWithGrace

Dark Angel Kira

death101

Disney-Kid

CSIslave

pollypocket911 

mordechaimalachai

MyFictionalAnnihilation  


Mondler4EvEr

Thank you for all the beautiful reviews. You guys have made this story more popular then I would have ever dreamed of. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! Much Love!

* * *

**MY SAVING GRACE**

Ryan's mind couldn't grasp the idea of what had just happened. Had he actually gone and kissed someone like Troy Bolton? Of course, he had kissed boys before. In fact, he had done a lot more than kissing in his past, but this was different. This was never meant to happen. Ryan cursed himself for not being able to stop it. No emotion was ever strong enough for him not to be able to control it, and yet one person seemed to be enough to break him, enough to send him toppling over the edge, and he felt like such an idiot. Such an idiot for believing in something as irrelevant as hope.

Sometimes he wished that he could be different. Actually, everyday he wished he could be different. He wanted to be accepted. He wanted to be that sheep that went along with everyone else. He wanted to be a fucking poster child for Jesus. Ryan was a good kid, he always said please and thank you. He never wished bad on anyone else, even as a child he always ate his vegetables and said his prayers at night, and yet it was never enough, because in the eyes of the people who surrounded him, he was a sinner. So he wanted to be different. He pleaded to God, to Jesus, to anyone who was listening to fix him. 'Fix him' was the correct term to use, because to him and obviously to everyone else, he was broken.

Ryan stood up from the position that he had been sitting in ever since Troy had stormed out. He cried out in pain as he straightened himself up right. He wondered vaguely if perhaps the bastards had broken some ribs. He walked slowly over to the long mirror that hung on his wall and with great effort, began to unbutton his dirt smudged shirt. He winced slightly as he pulled the fabric off of his shoulders. He examined himself in the mirror and was shocked and yet expectant of what he saw. The bruises had already begun to form along his ribcage. Their sickly purple and green was a harsh contrast against his pale skin. He lightly ran his fingertips against the sensitive skin, and whimpered at the light touch. His face was in no better shape. Caked blood left a trail beneath his nostrils and his red lips were swollen and cracked. A second bruise was also forming along his cheek bone. He knew that he couldn't let his parents see. There would be too many questions after that, and what would he say anyway? _I got the shit beat out of me because I like kissing boys instead of girls? _That would go over well. No, he would just use some of his left over stage makeup to cover the bruises.

He walked over to his door, so he could head to the kitchen to get something to drink before his parents arrived home. He reached out and his hand clasped the door knob. This was the same knob that Troy had touched only a half hour ago. Ryan found it amusing and disturbing that he couldn't take his hand from the brass handle, but what he found even more unnerving was the reason why. He couldn't let go because this was a way that he could be close to Troy. It was the way that he could touch something that Troy had touched. It was a pathetic notion to be so desperate for a connection with someone but Ryan held the object tighter anyways. He sunk o his knees, his hand never leaving the knob. It hurt. His body hurt all over, but he would have gladly traded for more physical pain rather than what he felt at the moment. He had thought that he would be ok without him. When Troy had left him at the mercy of Bobby, Ryan had thought that he hadn't needed him. Of course, Ryan had been wrong. Of course, Ryan had been an idiot, and of course Ryan had ruined it all. He touched his lips, the same lips that not too long ago had been pressed against the unwilling lips of Troy Bolton, and at that moment, holding on to that door knob seemed like the most rational and hopeless thing Ryan had ever done in his life.

* * *

Troy dreaded the idea of going to school. Actually, to be more accurate, he was terrified at the idea of going to school. He knew that Bobby wasn't going to keep what happened quiet. Yet, as the next day rolled around Troy, once again, found himself standing at those familiar doors.

As he walked numbly down the tiled hallways, no one said anything to him. To most that would be a good sign, but not to Troy Bolton. He was used to having at least twenty different people walk up to greet him every morning, but that morning no one did. They just turned away as they saw him, or pulled the nearest friend close to whisper in their ear. Troy had been right. Bobby had told everyone.

Gabriella had left his bedroom at around three o'clock that morning and Troy wasn't surprised to find that she wasn't at his locker like she usually was. She had found out as well, and Troy felt like he was going to throw up. There was only one person that entire day that would meet his eyes, and it was the only person that Troy had expected not to.

Troy had been heading to English when he had accidentally bumped into Ryan. It had been an honest mistake. Both of them had been lost in more important thoughts and neither one had been paying attention. Their eyes met for a single moment and for that split second both of them forgot. Forgot about their problems. Forgot about the discrimination. Forgot about the rest of the world. Ryan's eyes said so much in that glance but most of all they said "I'm sorry". Troy noticed the hint of heavy makeup covering Ryan's face and for a split moment he had to stop himself from reaching out and touching the barely visible bruise. But he _did_ stop himself, and he _did_ break eye contact, and both of them headed off in different directions without a single word to each other.

No one spoke to Troy that day. Not Chad, not Zeke, not Jason, not anybody. It was like he had committed a fucking crime against the entire school and solitary confinement was his punishment, and it was all because he had stopped a defenseless kid from getting beat up. Welcome to the world gods. You are beautiful in the eyes of all people but slip up once and you suddenly become less than the people who worship you.

He saw Gabriella a couple of times in between classes but whenever he tried to approach her, she would dart into the nearest class room. It was all in attempt to avoid him, and he knew it. Troy felt like this world that he had built had suddenly been demolished. He once had had a _perfect_ girlfriend, a _perfec_t team, the _perfect_ friends, a _perfect_ life, and now he wasn't even worth a single look. Troy found it bitterly amusing that his entire existence, that had meant so much to him, had been held up by such a thin string.

However, the worst of it didn't come until his athletics period. He was changing in the locker room after practice and as he reached to pull his clothes out of his locker, he noticed a piece of paper lying on top of his shoes. It was a note. Troy didn't recognize the hand writing, but he knew who had wrote it nonetheless.

_Defending that fag was not such a bright idea. It kind of makes me wonder what team you're playing for. You make me sick, and I make it a promise that I will ruin you Troy Bolton. _

Troy let the note fall numbly from it's lose grip in his fingertips. His stomach churned and he suppressed a gag that formed in his throat in order to keep down his lunch. He knew that Bobby was not joking when he said that he would ruin him, and he knew that he could do it. How had this happened? How had it gotten this bad? Before he knew it, Troy was running. Running to escape, running to hide, because maybe if he ran fast enough, none of this would be real.

He was about fifty feet off of school property when he saw them. Troy wasn't sure if they had actually been waiting for him, but as they saw Troy, he knew that they weren't going to pass up this opportunity.

"Well if it isn't the queer lover himself." Bobby threw down the cigarette that he had been smoking and crushed it under his feet, mostly likely visualizing it to be Troy's head under his foot rather than the cigarette. "You know that wasn't a very smart thing to punch me, Bolton." He said in an eerily calm voice as he approached Troy. Troy saw the deep bruise that ran along Bobby's face and if he wasn't so preoccupied, he might of felt some satisfaction for causing it. Troy began to back up slowly but to his surprise two other guys were standing behind him, blocking his escape. They rounded on either side of him and latched onto his arms, holding him in place.

"Does this look familiar? If I'm not mistaken I think that this is the same position your little homo was in not too long ago. Now can you tell me what happens next?"

"Look Bobby, I don't want any trouble."

"In all your life has that line ever actually worked? Now answer the question. What comes next?" Troy didn't say anything he just held his ground as best he could. "Not talking are we? Well let me fill in the blanks." the blow to his stomach came fast and this time Troy couldn't keep down the wave of vomit. His stomach heaved and the contents fell to the ground.

The other two boys made groan of disgust from where they held him but Bobby didn't even seem to notice. The next punch came to his face and Troy could feel the blood splatter from his nose, and he saw specks of it on Bobby's curled fist. "A punch for a punch." Bobby said coldly, spitting in Troy's face. "But somehow, it's just not enough." Bobby brought his knee swiftly upward and it collided into Troy's groin. Troy cried out in pain and his knees buckled. If the other two boys hadn't been holding him up he would have crashed to the ground.

After that the punches kept coming. They weren't specific and their only intent was to hurt. Bobby's fist collided with Troy's face, shoulders, stomach. Anywhere that they could reach. Soon he ordered the other two boys to drop him. Troy fell to the ground hard and by this time he was too weak to defend himself. Bobby began to kick him in the stomach, just as he had done to Ryan the previous day. Troy's vision began to cloud and he fought desperately for consciousness. He thought it was never going to end , but after what seemed like eternity the brutal kicks finally stopped. Bobby crouched down on his knees beside Troy and grabbed Troy's face roughly in his hand, turning Troy to face him.

"Don't you fuck with me. Don't you _ever _fuck with me." It was a warning, a promise, a threat, and Troy knew that every word of it was true. The three boys walked off leaving Troy lying on the hard concrete.

Troy just laid there in a heap of blood and bruises. He knew that he couldn't stand on his own, and he wasn't stupid enough to try, so he just laid there. It wasn't long though before he heard a voice calling out to him. It sounded desperate, terrified and familiar. The owner of the voice rushed over to him and gingerly lifted his head so he could face the beautiful angel.

"It's ok Troy, it's ok." The voice said desperately. "God, I'm going to get you out of here. I'm sorry, I'm _so_ sorry" Troy felt the boys tears drip onto his face as he continued to cry out his apologies. Troy looked up into those shining blue pools and once again, the eyes of Ryan Evans, the eyes that he had been trying so desperately to escape, was his saving grace.


	12. When you've got nowhere left to turn

**READ THE A/N BEFORE YOU READ THE CHAPTER PLEASE!**

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any of it…….I promise…well, I do own the plot….but that's it…sadly….

**A/N: **Ok, here it is. The chapter that I have been waiting to write since I started this story. In fact the paragraph of Ryan speaking was actually the first thing I ever wrote for it. Look, I usually don't pressure people to review my stories because my theory is is that if I deserve them then I'll get them, but this time I beg you, I you like my story please review for this chapter. It would make me happy beyond belief. I gave this chapter all I got and I really hope that it doesn't let you down. There is much angst to be found but of course I am sure that doesn't surprise. So here it is, and I really hope it is everything I've made it out to be.

As always:

**Special Thanks to:**

mordechaimalachai

Dark Angel Kira

Braids21

blazingfire03

death101

ANoRDaE

DarkPhoenix1987

oldincisions

Embry  


pollypocket911 

FallingWithGrace

Mondler4EvEr

MyFictionalAnnihilation

CSIslave

To all my beautiful angels that keep this story going. You don't know how much your reviews mean to me. Much love!

Danielle

* * *

**WHEN YOU'VE GOT NOWHERE LEFT TO TURN**

_You're a beautiful  
A beautiful fucked up man_- Sarah McLachlan, Building a mystery

* * *

Ryan stood up from where he had been kneeling beside Troy and pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. He began to dial a number when Troy's strained voice cut him off. 

"What are you doing?"

"What do you think, Troy? I'm calling for an ambulance." He was about to return to dialing when he felt Troy's hand grab onto his ankle.

"Don't" It wasn't a plea, for even though Troy's voice was soft, Ryan could tell that it was a command nevertheless.

"But Troy, look at you. You cant even stand for God sake."

As if in defiance to Ryan's statement, Troy slowly rose to a kneeling position, but as he tried to pull himself to his feet his knees gave out and Ryan had to bend down suddenly to catch him.

"God dammit Troy, I have to call." Ryan told him as Troy's head fell onto his shoulder out of exhaustion.

"No, please Ryan, just get me out of here."

"Troy-"

"I said no." Ryan didn't like this but against his better judgment he cautiously began to help Troy to his feet. "I can't go home, Ryan. I can't let my dad see me like this…..not yet."

"I'll take you to my house." Ryan said shortly as he, ignoring his own searing injuries, helped Troy into his car. During the drive home Troy seemed to pass in and out of consciousness. Ryan kept a watchful eye on him the entire time.

"Listen to me Troy, I didn't take you to the hospital, even though I should of, but you have to stay awake now." Ryan wasn't sure if Troy actually had a concussion, but he didn't want to take any chances. As Ryan pulled into his driveway he looked over at Troy and noticed that his eyes were closed. Ryan felt the panic rise in the pit of his stomach and he leaned over the seat and shook Troy by the shoulders.

Troy let out a small groan of protest and a grumbled "I'm awake dammit" and Ryan let out a sigh of relief. He stepped out of his car and went over to the other side to help Troy out as well. He found it difficult to get his front door open whilst supporting Troy at the same time.

Finally he managed to unlock the door . "Troy, I'm going to take you down to the basement. My parents will be home soon and they'd rather hire twenty maids than go down there." Getting Troy down the basement stairs proved to be a difficult task indeed. Ryan had to struggle not to drop Troy along the way and by the time they reached the bottom Ryan was gasping for air and his side was burning painfully.

"Troy, I'm going to have to put you down now." Ryan said in between gasps as he unwrapped Troy's arm from around his shoulders and sat him down on the cold, concrete floor. Troy's head fell back against the wall of the basement as he watched Ryan head over to a sink in the far corner and pull a rag from a cabinet, to wet under the cool water.

Ryan slowly approached him and knelt down until he was eye level with Troy. He reached out, with the damp cloth in his hand, and began to wipe away the blood from Troy's face. Troy winced slightly as Ryan cleaned his cut lips and bloodied nose. Ryan saw this and his frown deepened.

"Troy, I never meant for any of this to happen." He said in a quiet whisper as he continued to run the cloth lightly over Troy's bruised skin.

"I know." Troy assured him and that was when Ryan finally met his gaze. As Troy looked back into those eyes that seemed to pierce through every fiber of his being, that feeling began to take over. That feeling that Troy was finding harder and harder to control. _No. _He had to get out of here.

"Ryan, I should really be getting home." He said hurriedly as he tried to push past Ryan and stand, but as he did so he fell back painfully against the hard stone and he let out a small cry. "God dammit." He said under his breath. Ryan reached out to help him but Troy just pushed his hands away. Ryan fell back with a bewildered expression on his face, and it was that look, that look of absolute innocence and confusion that really seemed to infuriate Troy.

"Fuck Ryan, why are you doing this?"

"You're hurt Troy….."

"Forget about that Ryan! This isn't right. It's not supposed to be like this. My whole life is in shreds and _you're _the one to pick up the broken pieces? It shouldn't be you. It should be Gabriella, or Chad, or Zeke, or _anybody, _but never you, and yet, it always is. And that's what's fucked up. God, I can't escape you. You're like a drug that I never wanted in the first place and yet you wont leave, you wont get out of _there." _Troy beat his skinned palm against the side of his head as he said 'get out'. "How can you go on like this? Don't you see the way they look at you? The way they now look at me? Constantly judging. Constantly wondering what you are going to do next to fuck up the world. I can't stand it, Ryan. I can't stand feeling like this. Feeling like I have to see you when really that's the last thing that I need. "

Troy buried his head in his hands and Ryan had to strain to hear what he said next. "How do you do it, Ryan? _Please_ tell me. God dammit, don't you ever want to just give up?….no, of course not, because you're so strong, Ryan. You're just so much stronger than me, and I hate you for that. In fact I've never hated something so much in my entire life, and yet…….and there always has to be an 'and yet' when it comes to you. I should just be able to say I hate you and be done with it, but I can't…Not with you…..because I hate you Ryan Evans, _and yet….."_

He didn't finish. He didn't _have _to finish. Troy's voice trailed off and he turned his gaze away from Ryan. Ryan threw the bloody rag that he had been holding to the floor and rose shakily to his feet, and when his voice fell from the confides of his lips it startled not only Troy but himself as well.

"What do you want me to do, Troy? Do you want me to sing you a song with fucking candy-coated lyrics about how the world is perfect and everything turns out the way it's supposed to? Is that what you want?…Well I wish I could give that to you. I wish I could give you everything you want and everything I know you deserve." A single tear slipped from the corner of Ryan's eye. He didn't move to brush it away and Troy wondered if he even noticed it at all. " I wish…I wish that I could tell you that everything would be alright. That you could wake up tomorrow and none of this would have happened. I wish I could give you back your world by taking _me _out of it, but most of all, I wish I could stop needing you this much. I was fine until that day in the bathroom. Yeah, life sucked but I didn't need someone to tell me to keep on going, and I _need_ you to tell me that, Troy. Nothing seems worth it anymore unless you tell me that it is. And it hurts like hell to know that I'm hurting you because I can't stop needing you, but its all too much."

Ryan moved to place his hand on Troy's chest. Troy stiffened slightly but he did not pull away. Ryan could feel Troy's rapid heart beat pulsating against his fingertips. "_This _is too much, but no matter how much it always seems to be, it's never really enough, and I don't think that it ever will be. And yes, I want to give up. Everyday, I want to just throw it all away and just _give up." _The tears now flowed freely an unnoticed down his cheeks. "But then when I look into your eyes, I see……_everything _and nothing all at once. It all makes sense to me and yet I still have so many questions. Everything is so fucking perfect and at the same time it's all so wrong, and I feel like I'm standing on the edge and at any moment I could fall off and be lost forever, but that's ok……" From sheer exhaustion Ryan leaned his head against Troy's, and for a moment no words were spoken. For a moment there was no further need to explain. For a moment all they could see was each other. Sea green eyes against sky blue, and for a moment that was enough, but then Ryan's hoarse voice cut through the silence and it was so strained and yet so unbelievably beautiful. "But that's ok, because in the end all I want is to be lost in you."

There was a sharp intake of breath from Troy at Ryan's words and then Ryan reached out and brushed his fingertips against Troy's cheek before leaning in to place his lips upon Troy's, but just before their lips met Troy pushed him away.

"I can't"

Troy tried once again to get up but this time Ryan grabbed his wrists and held him in place. Ryan leaned in until his lips were brushing against Troy's ear and then he said the word that would be the end of Troy…..

"Please."

It was a simple plea in the most complicated of situations, and for the first time since he was five, the tears began to fall from Troy's eyes as well. "Please no Ryan, I can't. just let me go." Troy said in between strangled sobs. It hurt him to cry like that. As the sobs raked through his body he could feel the pain surge in his rib cage and he could feel the sting as his tears mixed into the cracks of his lips, but he didn't care. There was no more control. Ryan continued to hold onto him as his lips found Troy's forehead. "Please." he said for a second time. Troy's cries were now coming out in gasps as Ryan began to leave small kisses on his cheeks, and eyelids, and nose, leaving a burning trail of pleads along the way.

"God help me, I can't. I can't" Troy was absolutely shaking by now and his defenses were breaking down. However, there was one more thing left to say. One more thing that was needed. Ryan leaned in again. His blonde hair brushed against Troy's cheek and Troy had to suppress a shiver that ran along his spine as he felt Ryan's warm breath against his ear. Troy felt his heart stop as Ryan said those final words.

"Don't do this. Not to me…Not again." And Troy was lost as well. This time when Ryan's lips found Troy's they were met with no resistance.

There was no raw passion in the kiss. No grasps at clothing or muffled moans. Just two broken souls bringing comfort the only way they knew how. Their cracked and bruised lips brushed against each others in the most gentlest of ways, both afraid that if they pushed too hard the other might break into a million pieces. Their two worlds began to crumple right in front of their eyes until their was nothing left. No time. No space. Just them, and it was so beautiful, so fucking beautiful that the tears continued to fall from their closed eyes until all they could taste was bitter blood and the salty proof of the pain that they had endured. Of course it was wrong, and neither was sure that it would ever make sense, but that was ok because now they were drowning. Drowning in their pain. Drowning in the past, but most of all, drowning in each other.


	13. It Did

**Disclaimer: **Nope, still don't own

**A/N: **Ok here it is. Sorry it's been so long, but to be truthful I didn't know what I wanted to do with it, but I have reached the conclusion that it is not over. This next chapter is appalling short but I just wanted to Get back into the groove before writing longer chapters. Get what I am saying? I'm not sure if I actually like this chapter, and I'm sorry if it disappoints…but, there is still more chapters to come.

P.S. I'm slightly worried that this story might not appeal to anybody anymore because of the recent talks of every single RyanTroy story being too cliché.

**A Very Special Thanks To:**

BraceYourself

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Allie 

O.V

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35 reviews for chapter 12. 167 reviews in total. On the favorites list of 43 members, and in the end I am still in disbelief. You really do not know how much your reviews mean to me. You keep me going. You keep this story going. You are all amazing, and a lot of your reviews brought tears to my eyes (In particular Allie's). Thank you, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Much Love to you all!

Danielle (TillThatTime)

* * *

**It Did**

It ends quickly. Their lips pull away in one slow, rhythmic motion, but the kiss itself is short. Their breathing is erratic and hot tears still stain the skin of their cheeks. Their lips cease to touch but their faces are still close to one another. Their eyes never leave each others as Ryan slowly sits back on his hands. There is confusion and understanding wrapped all in one and it's hard to tell which is the more powerful.

Troy slowly reaches up to brush his fingers against his lips as if he is just realizing what has happened, though he knew all along and Ryan just continues to stare as if waiting for an unpleasant reaction that he hopes will never come. Troy is the first to break the silence.

"You kissed me."

"You let me."

It's so simple to view it that way. Ryan had kissed someone who had wanted to be kissed. It's so easy. Then why had everything changed?

"I know I did."

"Then do you regret it?"

Troy looks at him for a long while as if contemplating the correct way to answer this question. He reaches his conclusion and shakes his head slowly. The first smile of the day spreads across Ryan's cracked lips.

"Good."

"Good." Troy echoes the word as a small, tentative grins graces his lips as well. Troy slowly reaches his shaking hand out to Ryan and Ryan looks at him in bewilderment before understanding. He reaches his own hand out and their fingers brush lightly against each others before inevitably clasping together. No words are said for awhile as they stare down at their entwined fingers. Ryan does not attempt to kiss Troy again because both know that it's too soon. Just too soon, but the simple touch of hands is enough.

Time holds no meaning anymore as they sit in comfortable silence, lost in the thoughts of one another. Troy is still scared and Ryan knows it, but even the bravest of warriors have something to fear in the face of battle.

"But are you afraid, Ryan?" As if Troy had read his thoughts, the question cuts through the silence. Ryan does not hesitate in his answer.

"Terrified." Troy does not know how to interpret the answer because Ryan never shows his fear and Troy had believed he really didn't have any.

"Of what?"

"Of waking up."

Troy nods his head in understanding before slowly reaching over and pinching Ryan on the arm.

"Ow, Troy-"

"You're awake." A small laugh escapes Ryan's lips as he sees some of the old Troy shining through. The Troy that he had spent so many hours with, discussing life on a cold sink counter.

"You look like hell." Ryan says softly and Troy gives him a quizzical look.

"You're one to talk." Their laughter is quiet almost nervous, for both are unsure of how to act. They try to make it easier by cracking jokes. They try to cover up what has just happened without truly forgetting, because they need things to be easier. It's been so hard for so long and it just needs to be easy for once. They pretend that the kiss does not complicate things because in their mindset they really pray that it doesn't. They both know better, but it's easy to pretend. Troy looks down at his watch.

"It's getting late, Ryan."

"I know it is. Come on, I'll take you home." Ryan stands up slowly and helps Troy to his feet. Ryan moves to help Troy up the stairs but Troy stops him, staring at him seriously.

"This is going to be hard, isn't it?" Troy was asking a question that he already knew the answer to, and Ryan knew that he wasn't referring to getting up the stairs.

"It's never really easy." Ryan says truthfully.

"You know I thought the world would end."

"What do you mean?" Ryan asks, his confusion showing on his angelic features.

"I thought that if I let you kiss me that the world would end."

Another smile forms on Ryan lips as he leans up to lay a small kiss on Troy's forehead.

"It did." He replies shortly as he begins to help Troy up the stairs.


	14. To Be A Kid Again

**Disclaimer: **yada yada……ugh, don't own…but would you all worship me if I did?

**A/N: **Thank you for all the beautiful reviews. Don't have much to say so I'm just going to get on with it.

**Special Thanks to:**

MR.Zacefron

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* * *

**To Be A Kid Again**

They sat for awhile parked outside of Troy's house. Ryan kept shooting nervous glances at Troy until finally he decided to speak. "Do you need me to go in with you? Explain what happened?"

Troy looked at him quite suddenly, his expression slightly skeptical. "Do you really think that that would be a good idea?"

Ryan shook his head slowly. "Well it never hurts to offer." Troy moved to unbuckle his seatbelt but he was stopped by Ryan's hand placed atop of his own. "What are you going to tell them?"

"Nothing that my dad hasn't already picked up in rumors." Ryan gave Troy's hand a gentle squeeze and both boys looked away from each other in mild embarrassment. Ryan's pale ears reddened and Troy nervously cleared his throat. He unbuckled the restrain of the seatbelt and stepped out of Ryan's car. Before he shut the door he turned back to look at the other boy. "I'll see you tomorrow at school?"

Ryan nodded his head, and a small smile spread across his lips. "You can count on it."

Troy closed the door and with a small wave he watched as Ryan drove off, finding himself already missing the other boy's company. He made his way up the steps that led to his front door and fumbled in his pocket for the keys. Opening the door to his home he stepped into the brightly lit front hallway and quickly toyed with the idea of running to his bedroom and refusing to come out until morning.

"Troy? Is that you?" Of course, no such luck.

"Yeah mom, I'm home." He stood there as she came rushing from out of the kitchen, a stern expression plastered on her pretty features. He could tell that she was ready for the intense questioning of "Where have you been?" but she stopped short when she saw the condition that he was in. Apparently word hadn't gotten around of what had happened after all.

"My God Troy, what happened?' She was by his side in a mere matter of seconds. She reached out to lightly run her fingertips over an ugly bruise that was forming along his cheek bone, and the fact that she was being so gentle, the fact that she seemed to care so much, was almost enough to send him into tears all over again.

"I'm fine mom. Really I am." He tried to sound reassuring in his statement. He tried to convince her that he was not this broken boy standing in front of her, when really in all truth he was. He tried to do that one little thing for her. Just tell her that he was ok, because she needed to hear it and he certainly did as well, but he would never be that good of an actor. He saw the tears forming in her eyes and his voice cracked in his reassurance.

"Please mom, don't cry." He was desperate in his request, because he couldn't handle this, not now. _Not now._ Suddenly, a new emotion came over her face. One that he hardly ever saw on his mothers delicate features, but one that he recognized nonetheless, fury.

"Who did this to you?"

"Mom, I-"

She cut him off by grasping onto his shoulders. Shaking him slightly, because he needed to tell her, because she needed to know. "Tell me who did this to you."

He let out a small groan as the pain shot up his arms from where her hands held onto him. She saw the grimace on his face and immediately let go of him. Her look of rage being replaced by concern. "I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry."

"I can't tell you mom."

"You have to. As soon as if found out, that little bastard is getting what he deserves." Her voice was strong and malicious but the tears were now falling from her eyes. With each word of anger a new tear slid down her cheeks, and with each promise of payback, her voice cracked a little more. He reached out with one scathed hand and began to wipe the tears from her eyes.

"I can't tell you. I'm sorry. It would just make things so much worse. Don't you see that?" He was desperate to make her understand, and he thanked God, Jesus, Buddha, and anybody else who was listening to the gratefulness of one teenager, when she nodded her head slowly.

"Where's dad?"

"He called and said he had to stay late to work on something up at the school." Relief washed over him at the prospect of not having to deal with _that _situation. "Come on, if you're not going to tell me who did this to you, then you're at least going to let you clean up some of those cuts." He smiled slowly at her and she leaned in and kissed his forehead.

* * *

He was sitting up on the counter as she finished up applying all the necessary antibiotics to make sure he didn't get an infection and memories of being a little kid and having his mommy clean his cuts on the very same counter played out like lullaby's in his mind's eye. He wished to be that young again, because back then it didn't matter who your friends were. There were no fags to take the blame from society. You could hug other boys with out the fear of ridicule because nobody cared, because nobody was different.

"There, everything is all patched up." She said as she padded down one of the bandages on his elbow, probably from where he had fallen to the ground. With some help from her, he got off the counter.

"Thank you, mom. Hey, I'm going to just go to bed now. I'm really tired." He turned to walk away from her but she touched him lightly on the arm, halting him. He turned to face her and she pulled him into a hug that was gentle and firm all at once.

"You don't know how much I love you, kid." She whispered in his ear as she ran her fingers through his hair. He was taller than her and had been for quite some time now, but he was still her little boy.

"And you don't know how much I needed to hear that." He pulled away from her and kissed her on the cheek.

"Night mom." He left her standing in the kitchen and headed up to his room, shutting the door behind him. Ignoring the ache in his body he pulled his shirt over his head. Not even attempting to remove his pants he laid down on his mattress, burying his face in the covers.

His mind wandered to Ryan, a habit that had become all too familiar to him by now. The kiss was the first thing to pop into his mind, but not being really ready to think about it, he stored the thought away. In all his life he never thought that something could break him and restore him all at once. That he could want something and need something so badly, and yet be so damned terrified of it at the same time. There was no one like Ryan Evans. He was strong and beautiful and brilliant and most of all he cared about him. This boy that had taken so much shit, so much pain, actually had something left in him to care about someone else, and Troy really didn't know if that was a good thing or a horrible mess. Ryan Evans was someone that he wanted to think about for days on end and then hide him away so none of the world could see his dread of the fact that people might know. He was his hope and his nightmare all at once, and for the life of him he wanted to run away and escape this world that promised to bring pain, and yet he could never bring himself to run. Not again. Not _ever _again. Because he cared as well.

Ryan made him want to forget about everything. About his past, about his friends, about Gabriella……..Gabriella.

He sat up quite suddenly, causing his body to sear with pain. He _had _forgotten about Gabriella. What was he going to do? He couldn't tell her the truth, but he couldn't keep on doing this with her. Lying to her, because he could finally admit that there was no love left, and he wondered if there ever had been.

He fell back on his bed. Unsure of what events would happen the next day, and dreading them all too much. It was awhile before he drifted off into a fitful sleep but of all the thoughts that whirled in his mind one was always the strongest. A certain blonde boy that had suddenly become his damning salvation.


	15. It still doesn't get any easier

**Disclaimer**: I do not own High School Musical.

**A/N**: It's been...awhile, and for that I apologize. However, I'm trying to get back in the swing of things, so after quite a few months, here is chapter 15. I do not have time to thank all of you who reviewed the last chapter, and I send my deepest apologies for that, but I will acknowledge all of you in the next chapter. However, I must say that OCP is amazing and that her review for my story is the best I've ever gotten and I love her for that. Thank you so much. Cheers and much love!

Danielle

**It Still Doesn't Get Any Easier. **

It was like breathing and being strangled at the same time.

Over the past day it had become impossible to deny the way he felt about Ryan, and a part of him was filled with a sense of blissful calmness that could only be achieved by admitting it to himself. But the other part of him, the one that refused to die out without a fatal fight, still remained through the depths of his mind and past the tips of his fingers.

That part of him that screamed accusations of "Oh God, you kissed another boy" and "You sick fag". That part of him that tormented him until he himself was enemy number one. That part of him that made him hate Ryan and wrongly assume that he had somehow done this to him.

He wished he could bury those feelings that strayed relentlessly in to his mind as he struggled to find sleep beneath the covers of his bed. He wished he could be strong and admit, if to no one else but himself, that he was...

But no, it wasn't that easy, at least not for him, and Troy begged to have the times back when none of this mattered and basketballs filled his dreams rather than blonde hair and soft lips.

He hated himself for constantly judging his own actions. He despised his weakness, and cursed his fears.

But he could not deny the fact that he _was_ scared. Terrified, petrified, horrified, and every other sense of the word that could never even begin to describe the feeling in the pit of his stomach.

He didn't know what to do with himself. His whole world had been demolished in a matter of seconds by those incredible fucking lips pressed against his own, and he had no idea where he was supposed to go from here.

What would everyone think? His friends? Gabriella? His father?...Oh God, his father. His couldn't help the shiver that raced along his spine at the thought of telling _that man_.

There was a simple solution to his questions, of course. He just wouldn't tell them...couldn't tell them. Couldn't look into their faces and see that look of discrimination and disgust aimed towards him and the way he was. If he couldn't even admit it to himself, he sure as hell was not going to admit it to anyone else.

But then what was he supposed to do about Gabriella? He couldn't just keep holding her hand, kissing her and fucking her while he whispered the words "I love you" in her ear. He couldn't keep pretending...no matter how much he wanted to.

But he couldn't tell her either.

He raked his fingers roughly through his hair, ignoring the pain brought from the cuts that littered his scalp, as he cursed quietly to himself.

What did everything always have to be so fucking difficult?

He painfully pulled himself up into a sitting position, his groans of pain being lost in the covers that he had bunched around his mouth.

To say that he wished things to be different was a vast understatement. To say that he wanted to be 'normal' was even more so.

He wished it was as simple as just being with Ryan and being perfectly content, but lately it seemed like nothing was going easy for him, and in all honesty he was pissed and hurting, and he wanted it to be enough, but it wasn't...not yet. Because no matter how much Ryan gave to him, restored him, and comforted him, he had also completely fucked him up.

He was still stuck in this situation that left him terrified and trembling like a little kid. He still had broken ribs and cuts and bruises littering his body. He still could not deny the fact that he was completely infatuated with another boy.

But, of course, he also knew that it was not Ryan's fault, no matter how much a part of him screamed that it was.

He also could not deny that though Ryan recently seemed to be the source of all his problems, there was no one else that he could even begin to think of that he would rather talk to.

So it came as no surprise to him when he found his cell phone clutched tightly in his hand, its cool metal soothing his burning skin, as he began to push in a number that he had rarely dialed but knew by heart.

"Hello?" The voice came in muffled over the phone, filled with the sleep that had eluded Troy himself. He looked over at his clock, he hadn't realize that it was so late.

"Ryan, it's...it's me." He said slowly, an uncharacteristic stutter lacing his voice. He was nervous...dammit.

"Troy? Are you ok? Is something wrong?" Any sign of sleep immediately left Ryan's voice as he jumped to full attention.

"No, no I'm fine...I just...I just." Troy was at a loss of what to say, and he had already started off the conversation by lying when he told Ryan that he was fine. "I just wanted...to talk to you." He finished, gulping slightly and trying to calm the shaking of his hands as he held his phone to his ear like it was air itself.

"Oh, then why didn't you just say so?" He could almost hear Ryan's breath of relief as his voice lightened considerably.

"It was late and I, I-"

"It doesn't bother me, Troy, you can call anytime you want." And something in Ryan's voice assured Troy that he was not lying. He could not stop the smile that crept across his lips, despite the fact that his shudders did not cease.

"I'd do it again, you know?" Troy suddenly blurted out and he almost wished that he could take the words back. He hadn't meant to say them, he truly hadn't.

"Do what again?"

He gulped again and cursed himself silently for getting this nervous over a fucking phone conversation.

"I'd let you...kissmeagain." He mumbled quickly into the phone, finding it incredibly difficult to breathe all of the sudden.

"What?" Ryan's voice flowed into his ears genuinely confused, and Troy gritted his teeth and willed himself to calm down and just say it.

"Kiss me again, I'd let you kiss me again." He said with resolution he didn't even know he possessed, and fell back on his bed, ignoring the pain that the sudden movement sent through him.

If he had been able to look through the phone at that particular moment he would have seen the smile that lit Ryan's features.


	16. Worth It?

**Disclaimer**: Don't own.

**Author's Note**: Er, it's been awhile...I suck? Ok, I've had to stop myself recently from deleting this story out of anger with myself. It was recently brought to my attention that all this time my title hasn't even been capitalized! I admit, that my grammatical skills were weaker when I started this story, but Jesus, even then I knew to capitalize a title! What the hell was I thinking?! Jeez, it's a wonder people even read this story, I wouldn't...ok, done ranting. I'll probably do major editing on this story in the future. On side note, longest chapter yet. Please enjoy and much love.

TillThatTime.

**Warnings:** If you don't know this is slash by now, I'd suggest help.

**Worth It?**

It was the light from the window that woke him.

It broke through the curtains that he had pulled tightly shut and fell across his face in a most annoying manner. He held his eyes tightly shut, as if contemplating whether or not to full acknowledge the fact that he was indeed awake, before letting out a sigh and cautiously opening one eye to squint through the invading sting of light and peek at his alarm clock.

Seven o'clock.

There was no avoiding it.

Time to get up.

With a groan of pain he placed his hands on either side of his chest and began to slowly push himself up, his eyes still squinting through the morning haze as they fought to adjust. Swinging his legs over the side of the bed, being careful to avoid unnecessary contact with his bruises, he stifled a yawn as he stood and began to make his way towards the bathroom.

This was normal.

A morning routine that he knew well. A reluctant awakening, a morning piss, shower, brushing the teeth, combing the hair, normal, normal, normal. It was like this everyday, and an almost reluctant smile made its way across his face as he acknowledge the fact that even when the world ends, some things stay the same.

However, no act of mundane normalcy could quell that ball of dread that formed in the pit of his stomach at the thought of actually going to school. Being at home was one thing. He didn't have to worry about the cold stares here, but at school it was different. They didn't _have_ to love him there, and they could turn their backs on him in an instant. In fact, they already had.

It was surreal to think about it really. To be so, for lack of a better word, popular in school, and in one instant be transformed into the outcast. To be ostracized for _defending_ someone. Troy was often called a hero in school- though reasons for it were usually something as petty as winning a basketball game- and weren't heroes supposed to protect people? Weren't they supposed to stand up for the things they cared about? Had the definition changed so much from the days of the comic book Superman, so that now when you punch someone who is picking on the innocent, you become the villain? Well, of course, when the innocent is disgusting in the audience's eyes. At East High tolerance was never something apparent in the hallways of the stereotype-based school. The school fell into despair over a basketball player auditioning for a musical. Armageddon must be approaching if homosexuals are allowed to exist without a little compensation.

No, Troy was not looking forward to going to school.

However, he pulled his keys from his pocket, kissed his mom goodbye, and got into the car anyways. The ride to school was filled with many exasperated sighs as Troy attempted to psych himself up for the walk towards his own personal guillotine. As he made his way up the steps at the front of East High, he avoided eye contact with everyone around him. No one approached him, just as he had suspected. He still had enough respect left not to be openly ridiculed, but no one exactly jumped to wish him "good morning" either, and the whispers that surrounded him were deafening. As he walked through the doors, his heels tapping against the cold tile, his eyes sought only one other's.

Ryan.

He scanned the small space almost fervently before his eyes landed on ice blue. There he was, leaning against his locker, a nervous smile gracing his pretty face. Troy swallowed the all too apparent lump that had formed in his throat and making a quick decision in his head, he began to walk resolutely towards Ryan.

His hands shook.

As he stopped in front of Ryan, he noticed the slightly shocked expression on the smaller boy's face. Troy had never really approached him in public like this. Troy noticed the way everyone around him fell silent as they watched the pair as intently as a pack of hyenas eyeing a freshly killed carcass. God, didn't these idiots have anything better to do than pry in on other people's lives?

Apparently not.

Troy's eyes scanned the floor as he seemed to consider something. When he finally spoke after some hesitation, his voice was low and probably unheard to anyone but Ryan.

"Ryan, I...I-fuck- I want to walk you to class." He rushed out, obviously nervous. Ryan's eyes widen for a second, before a soft smile slid into place.

"Troy, don't worry ab-"

"Dammit, Ryan, I'm walking you to class." Troy ground out in slight irritation. Ryan wasn't sure whether to comfort the boy or feel slight amusement at his obvious discomfort. Instead he opted for a simple answer.

"Alright." As they began the descent towards Ryan's first period side-by-side, Troy tried not to notice the stares. He had made this decision, because he decided it wasn't worth trying to hide anymore. He wasn't ready to tell people that he and Ryan were...whatever they were, but he was going to show them that Ryan was his friend and that that wasn't going to change. He owed Ryan that much. Shit, but his damned hands wouldn't stop shaking.

"You didn't have to do that." He heard Ryan whisper beside him.

"Yes, I did." And after that they continued on in silence.

The rest of the day passed in the same fashion, but as the hours wore on, Troy's resolve began to crumble. Gabriella wasn't even at school, and Troy found himself immensely relieved as he found something else that he could put off until he was forced to deal with it. However, the rest of the school might as well have not been there either. No one really approached him or attempted to make a conversation with him, but there were not insults either. Troy almost wished there were. At least people would acknowledge him then. Teasing and angry words had to be better than being completely ignored, right?

"_Sometimes you do it just so people will notice, and then when they finally do, you wish that you had just kept on drowning instead." _

Ryan's words rang in his head, and he found it bitterly amusing how much those words meant now. No, after seeing the result of humiliation, maybe it was better to be ignored.

But he couldn't stand this anymore. He didn't know how Ryan did it everyday. It had only been two days for him and it seemed like it was already starting to eat him alive. He needed to get out of this place. Get away from the stares. He wasn't ready for this. He wasn't _strong enough_ for this. Opting to skip his last block, he rushed up the stairs towards the only sanctuary in Hell.

As he pushed open the door to the bathroom he had grown fond of in the past months, he made his way over to the sink, splashing cool water against his skin that had suddenly become uncomfortably hot. As he let the water run down his cheeks, he lowered his head and braced himself against the sink.

Would this get any easier?

Was it even worth it?

Lost in his own thoughts, he didn't even hear the sound of the door opening behind him. He didn't notice the other presence before a very male chest was pressed against his back, and pale arms wrapped around him, until fingers intertwined with his own. He jerked his head up, His eyes finding blonde hair in the mirror, before locking on blue eyes. He stiffened, the thought of someone walking in flashing like a warning signal in his mind. But he forced himself to relax as he reassured himself of the likeliness of that happening.

"Ryan, what...?"

"I saw you bolt upstairs, figured you were coming here." Ryan said softly, his hot breath ghosting across the back of Troy's neck, before soft lips were placed lightly against the skin there. Troy didn't know why he did it, and he wasn't aware of it until it actually happened, but before he knew it, his breathing was coming out ragged and harsh and his entire body began to shake. The tears didn't fall, because he refused to let them, but they were there, burning his eyes, and blurring his vision.

"Ryan, I can't handle it, I cant-I can't-I can't." Came the mantra, as Troy shook his head, his expression lost and broken like a child's. Ryan's hands squeezed Troy's tighter before releasing them and bringing his arms up to wrap around Troy's torso. "I'm not strong enough."

"Yes, you are Troy." Ryan attempted to reassure as he continued to leave feather-light kiss against the nape of Troy's neck.

"No, not strong enough for this. Not strong enough to look them in the eyes. Nor strong enough to tell them I don't need them. And I'm sure as hell not strong enough to mean it." His breathing became harsher as he fought to hold on to some form of dignity, the disgust was apparent in his voice.

"Shh Troy, it's ok, it'll be ok." Ryan felt Troy turn abruptly in his arms, until he was face to face with the other boy.

"Will it really, Ryan, are you sure?" Troy asked, not even attempting to keep the desperation out of his voice. Ryan's hands came up slowly, almost shyly, until he was cupping Troy's face gently in his hands. His eyes searched for something for what seemed like an eternity, before he spoke.

"No, I'm not sure, but if you're not going anywhere, and I'm not going anywhere, does it really matter?" At Ryan's words Troy found himself biting his lip, contemplating whether or not to do something he suddenly had the urge to do. Making the decision quickly before giving himself anytime to think, he leaned down clumsily, his lips crashing into the side of Ryan's own mouth.

Dammit, now he couldn't even kiss properly?

Ryan stared at him wide-eyed, before his eyes softened and he leaned up towards Troy. He firmly grasped Troy's chin in his hand before murmuring "idiot" and placing his lips tenderly against Troy's own.

It was soft.

Like velvet.

Not like a kiss with another man should be.

The lips moving slowly against his own were softer, gentler, fuller and sweeter than Gabriella's had ever been. Was that even possible? This kiss was different than their previous two, and for awhile Troy found himself content to just rest his lips against Ryan's.

But then he felt something wet run against his bottom lip, asking almost politely for entrance. Troy didn't get the chance to hesitate before the polite tongue was replaced with teeth that sunk into his lip. A gasp was ripped from him and Ryan took this as an opportunity to slide his tongue into Troy's mouth. The muscle was not demanding as it searched around the hot cavern, and as it ran along the other, it invited it playfully to participate in their little game. The moist muscles slid against each other languidly. This was not a competition, this was a dance.

Troy wrapped his arms instinctively around Ryan's slight waist as he decided to begin the battle for dominance by pushing Ryan's tongue out of his own mouth and into Ryan's. He smirked against Ryan's lips as he heard and felt the soft mewl that came from Ryan's throat and he gripped the waist in his arms tighter. His triumph was short lived, however, as he felt Ryan began to suck suggestively on his tongue, his teeth grazing the sensitive skin in retaliation. God, where had Ryan learnt to do that? Troy, couldn't stop the soft moan that fell from his lips to be lost in between their connection, and he felt his cheeks redden instantly.

Time seemed to slow down as the kiss drew to a close, the need for air being apparent. A soft nibble of teeth on his lower lip and one last brush of lips against his own and they parted, albeit, reluctantly. Both were breathing harshly as Ryan ran a finger idly over Troy's quickly swelling lips. He noticed the dazed expression on Troy's face and couldn't help the small snicker that escaped him.

"That good, huh?" He was trying to sound smug, but there was no mistaking the need for reassurance in his voice. Troy didn't even bother with a witty retort.

"Yes, that good." Was his only reply before threading his fingers through Ryan's soft hair and crashing their lips together once more. He noticed idly as the kiss deepened once again, that his hands no longer shook.

Was it worth it?

For Ryan?

Oh, hell yes.


End file.
